Did you hear the one about about the circus freak who was billed as "The World's Tallest Man"?

Unfortunately, when he became concerned about his weight he decided to give up eating butter and switched to Crisco, without stopping to think that it was shortening.

The wife of a mafia boss had had her kitchen remodeled and asked her husband how to pay the contractor.

He said, "Give him some of that new money I've just printed. After all, he's a counter fitter."

A man walks into a bar, climbs up on a stool, opens a bag and proceeds to stuff his ears with whipped cream and to spread strawberries in his hair.

The bartender watches this performance with amazement before asking, "What would you like to drink?"

"You'll have to speak up," replies the man, "I'm a trifle, hard of hearing."

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Because he was feeling a little crummy.

How do you stop a charging elephant?

Take away his credit card.

What do you call a bunch of Australians waiting for grilled shrimp?

A barbie queue.

When is homework no longer homework?

When you turn it in to a teacher.

Four guys were playing cards in a train when it happened to cross a trestle above a flash flooding river. What game were they playing?

Bridge Over Troubled Waters.

The judge frowned at the robber and asked, “You admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?”

"Yes, your honor.”

“And why was that?”

“Because my wife wanted a dress.”

The judge checked the records, “But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!”

“Yes sir. She made me exchange it two times.”

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

Wanna hear something great?

Rub two bricks together.

What has four legs and talks?

Two people.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food but no atmosphere.…

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

What happened when the computer fell on the floor?

It slipped a disk.

What's a kitten's favorite color?

Purrple.

What did Dr. Frankenstein say when his monster spat on the ground?

"It's saliva!! It's saliva!!"

What kind of footwear did Lester buy his frog for the summer?

Open toad.

What do skeletons say before they begin dining?

"Bone appetite!"

Why did the reporter go into the ice cream shop?

He wanted to get the scoop.

When Leif Ericson returned from his New World voyage, he found that his name had been dropped from the registry of his hometown.

He reported the omission to the chief town official who, deeming it a slight to a distinguished citizen, protested strongly to the district census taker.

"I'm terribly sorry,” apologized that officer in great embarrassment. "I must have taken Leif off my census!"

What do you call a horse that likes arts and crafts?

A hobby horse.

What did the girl ocean say to the boy ocean when he asked her out on a date?

"Shore."

Did you hear the one about the failed attempt to start a magazine dedicated to the work of poet e.e. cummings?

The project was undercapitalized.

In American history, Aaron Burr fought a duel with Alexander Hamilton.

Did it take a long time to arrange that duel?

Actually, it only took a couple of seconds.

A man owned a shabby, rundown boat slip on a lake where all of the other slips were well painted and kept up.

Their owners tended to look down on him, so he finally gave in and had his slip painted which just goes to show the high cost of pier pressure.

A fisherman carelessly dropped his wallet into the water and was amazed to see a school of carp deftly balancing the wallet on their noses and tossing it from one fish to the other.

"Gosh," exclaimed the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp to carp walleting!"