Spelling

I’ve always preferred the English spelling of “diarrhea”, which is “diarrhoea”, because it really looks like you’ve lost control of your vowels. #lamejoke 

Rope

Recently, a public hanging went wrong when the rope snapped after the convict dropped. CNN called it breaking noose. #lamejoke 

Teeth

Don't throw false teeth at your vehicle. You might denture car. #lamejoke

Ants

Before Santa had elves, he had helper ants. Once, after eating too many beans, Santa farted getting into his sled. The ants became disoriented and Santa sat on them. So elves now live at the North Pole because of Santa's flat yule ants. #lamejoke

Glue

I'm writing a book about glue, but I'm stuck on the first chapter. #lamejoke

Disqualified

Paul McCartney was disqualified from the London Marathon. Banned on the run. #lamejoke 

Clown

I managed to resuscitate a clown the other day. He’s now on laugh support. #lamejoke 

Margarine

I was thinking that if we removed all the margarine from the world, it would be a butter place. #lamejoke

Negatives

Don’t use double negatives. They’re a big no no. #lamejoke

Jar

When a tip jar is reported stolen, do the police use jargon to describe it? #lamejoke 

Bank

The bank called me asking why I closed my account. I told them that it was lack of interest. #lamejoke

Infestation

The Pink Panther solving an ant infestation: 🎵 dead ant, dead ant...dead ant. dead ant. dead ant, dead ant. dead ant.🎵#lamejoke 

Van Gogh

I once met Vincent Van Gogh in a pub, I asked him if he would like a drink. He said, “No thanks, I've got one 'ere.” #lamejoke 

Research

The Incomplete Study Organization did some research. They concluded that 9 out of 15 people    #lamejoke

 

Theater

Does anyone here like puppet theater? Can I see a show of hands? #lamejoke

Boogers

Who do you fling boogers at? ATCHOOOOOOO! #lamejoke

Stop

Why it’s easier to stop a car going downhill? Because braking up is hard to do. #lamejoke

Tall

I’m trying to find a place where I’m considered tall. You know, somewhere I be long. #lamejoke 

Attack

As I was walking down the street, I was hit by a violin, then a clarinet, and then a French horn. I’m pretty sure it was an orchestrated attack. #lamejoke 

Elevator

What the escalator says when the mall closes for the night? Nothing. It just stairs. #lamejoke 

Mattress

If the King sleeps on a king mattress, and the Queen sleeps on a queen mattress, where does the Prince sleep? On an heir mattress. #lamejoke 

Dentures

Why did the house with no style need dentures? It had no motif. #lamejoke

Knuckles

Coworker told me I have big knuckles today. It seemed like a backhanded compliment. #lamejoke

Sale

I bought a jar of transparent insects the other day at a clear ants sale. #lamejoke

Metric

Americans don’t use the metric system because they have a foot fetish. #lamejoke

God

Why did the son of the god of thunder need to stretch his leg muscles?  He was a little thor. #lamejoke 

Bird

One bird can’t make a pun, but two can. #lamejoke 

Spell

I think “Renaissance” and “Scarborough” are both equally tough to spell if I’m making a fair comparison. #lamejoke

Telescope

As far as I can see, the invention of the telescope has been a great success. #lamejoke 

Car

I bought a sweet car online. Previously owned by Neil Diamond. #lamejoke

Grasshopper

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we've a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You have a drink called Steve?" #lamejoke