Host

“You must be the host,” Tim guessed. #lamejoke 

Opinion

“I’ll write my opinion on an envelope,” said Tim, as he addressed the issue. #lamejoke

Punctuation

After stealing all the punctuation marks off the judge’s keyboard, Joey’s expecting a long sentence. #lamejoke 

Legionnaires

There are two French Legionnaires in the desert, and they've been separated from their unit and are lost.

They've been wandering for several days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them. Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders' cries, and they eventually reach the market and realize that it's really there.

So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stallholder, "Stallholder, we have been travelling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us. Tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?"

The stallholder shook his head and replied, "I'm sorry, French legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake."

The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, "Mr purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been travelling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water."

The stallholder looked at them embarrassed, and confessed "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me. All I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top, there," he said, pointing out the glace cherry. "I cannot help you."

The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, "Look, mate, we need water or we'll die. We've been travelling without water for days and need some now. Do you have any you can sell us?"

The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration."

The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake.

Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to the other and said, "That was really odd, a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake."

The other turned to face his companion and replied, "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar." #lamejoke

Robbers

There are three thieves who, as one final job together, plan on robbing a sacred tomb. Locals warn them that any who attempt to steal from the tomb will be cursed and great danger will befall them, but they decide to go through with it anyway.

They decide to go one at a time in case there really is any danger. The first man enters the tomb, grabs as much as he can carry, and sprints out. As he's leaving, he passes by a giant coffin and then hears a booming voice say, "If you dare to rob this sacred tomb, a great curse shall befall you. You shall die by FIRE!" He's a little spooked, but escapes the tomb unscathed with his riches.

The second man enters the tomb, grabs as much as he can carry, and sprints out. As he's leaving, he also passes a large coffin and hears a booming voice say, "If you dare to rob this sacred tomb, a great curse shall befall you. You shall die by WATER!" He's kinda freaked out, but knows that the first guy survived, and he too escapes the tomb unharmed with more wealth than he could imagine.

The third man enters the tomb, grabs as much as he can carry, and sprints out. As he's leaving, he too passes the huge sarcophagus and hears a booming voice say, "If you dare to rob this sacred tomb, a great curse shall befall you. You shall die by PLAGUE!" At this point, the thieves aren't scared anymore because they've all managed to escape unharmed, so the third guy just walks out of the tomb, his arms full of the spoils of his plunder.

The three thieves part ways and go on to live lavish, pleasant lives using the treasure they'd stolen to get rich. Each man had more than he could ever want, and each was in fantastic health for many years following their tomb robbing.

Fast forward twenty years, and the thieves have all but forgotten the words that echoed from the tomb that fateful day. The first man was enjoying a bonfire with his friends at his Miami beach house. After a night of drinking, most everyone was drowsy or passed out completely. The first man stood up to go inside, tripped over one of his friends, and fell headfirst into the fire pit. He suffered horrible burns all over his body and died as a result of his injuries.

The story made headlines, and after a while word got back to the other two thieves that their friend had perished. Both of them had a vague memory...something about a curse...and dying by fire...but after a few months they all but forgot their old friend and went about their lavish lives.

The second man was celebrating his birthday with his friends and family at an extravagant party on his private island. As night fell, he and a few of his friends decided to go down to the shore and go night-swimming. They, too, were a bit intoxicated, and there was a bit of a storm brewing, but they hardly cared. After swimming for a while, the man gets swept out to sea. He's not a strong swimmer and his friends can't see him, and he ends up drowning.

The third man catches wind of this and starts to panic. Dying by fire, dying by water...will he truly die by plague, as was foretold in the sacred tomb? He starts to put the remainder of this wealth into his health - he visits a different specialist every week, spends money on diet and workout programs, and does whatever he can to ensure that he stays healthy.

However, after several months, a mysterious illness befalls him. Doctors can't figure it out no matter how many tests they run. He's confined to a hospital bed for weeks on end, as he's too weak to even stand and walk. However, he doesn't come any closer to dying, and he starts to regain hope that maybe he's beaten the curse.

His health begins to improve, and soon he has enough strength to sit up in bed and eat on his own. He never has any visitors, as his friends were only his friends because of his great fortune.

One day, a nurse tells him he has a visitor. He's surprised, but excited, and tells the nurse to send them in. She leaves, and soon he hears someone coming down the hallway.

Except it doesn't sound like footsteps.

It's more like an awful, clunky, dragging sound. As if someone's struggling to push a heavy object down the hall.

He hears screams outside his closed door and begins to panic as the noise gets closer, closer, closer. He's still not strong enough to get out of bed, much less escape. He starts looking around him for something to defend himself with. The only things on his side table are a lamp, some magazines, a glass of water, a book he'd been reading, and some throat lozenges (cough drops, as he'd had a pretty nasty cough).

Suddenly, the door swings open. Staring the final thief in the face is the sarcophagus from the tomb. A voice booms out, "You have attempted to avoid the curse, but death waits for no man!" The coffin then begins inching towards him. It flies open, revealing emptiness, and the thief knows if he can't escape he'll be trapped in that coffin and die.

In a last attempt to defend himself, he starts throwing whatever he can reach at the sarcophagus. He chucks the lamp at it as hard as he can, but it keeps coming towards him. Then he tries the book, to no avail. The glass of water - nothing. The magazines - useless. Finally all that's left are the cough drops. The man all but resigns himself to his fate, picks up the lozenges, closes his eyes, and hurls the cough drops. The moment the cough drops hit it, the coffin stops. #lamejoke

June

Are you telling me June is already almost over? No way dude, Julying. #lamejoke 

Orthodontist

I’m gonna teach you how to be your own orthodontist. Brace yourself. #lamejoke 

Lice

There is still no cure for head lice. Scientists are left scratching their heads. #lamejoke 

Blanket

I just checked my insurance. If my blanket is stolen during the night, I won't be covered. #lamejoke

Baseball

Be careful when making a deal with a baseball player. There’s always a catch. #lamejoke

Sharks

I hear it costs an arm and a leg to swim with the sharks. #lamejoke 

Pirate

I don’t mind seeing a few pirate jokes here every now and then, but let’s not go overboard. #lamejoke 

Lamp

In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night. This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation. #lamejoke

Triangle

A triangle got in an accident. Now it’s a wrecked angle. #lamejoke

Bike

I damaged the wheel's hub on my bike. So I went to a repair shop, but the very eloquent technician couldn't help me with it. Turns out he was only a spokesperson. #lamejoke

Sasquatches

Supposedly, sasquatches exist, yet I haven’t seen even one. #lamejoke 

Lab

Set up a cloning lab in your house and make yourself at home. #lamejoke

Fence

We put up an electric fence the other day. My neighbor was dead against it. #lamejoke 

Library

I haven’t posted any library jokes on here recently. I figure we’re long overdue. #lamejoke

Waffle

I dropped my waffle at the beach and ended up with a San Diego. #lamejoke

Speed-reading

I've just begun a speed-reading course, and last night I read Great Expectation in fifteen seconds. I know it's only two words, but I'm still a beginner. #lamejoke

Horses

All those in favor of impersonating horses say, "Aye!" All those opposed..? #lamejoke

Escape

Joey’s four-year old sprinted away from us at the grocery store, making a full escape, after knocking down a towering cereal box display to completely block the row. I was like, “Aisle be dammed.” #lamejoke

Bowl

My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl. I didn’t even know he could. #lamejoke

Name

 My buddy’s name is Jay, but I call him J, for short. #lamejoke

Alaska

Alaska is the biggest state in the US. Didn’t Juneau that? #lamejoke

Markers

It's been a long time coming, but Joey finally confiscated his daughter's markers. The writing’s been on the wall for a while. #lamejoke 

Coffee

Totally unfair! Joey got kicked out of his coffee club. He showed up in a t-shirt. #lamejoke

Single

This guy is buying a banana, an apple, and two eggs. The cashier says, "You must be single." The guy replied, "Wow, how did you know that?" The cashier said, "Because you're ugly." #lamejoke

Farmer

Then there was the one about the farmer who fell asleep under a cow. He got a pat on the head. #lamejoke