Knees

So, there's this duck. His name is Gef (Pronounced Jeff. The spelling actually comes from Gef's Welsh ancestors, who were widely known in the UK for being the finest net-makers in the land. Their nets were so legendary that kings and princes and lords bought the Wshlgrrrmanxxs family's nets for their great eel hunts. The eel hunt of 1473, better known as The Gravy Incident, is an especially fine tale that shows the elasticity and frankly astounding amount of tensile strength that the Wshlgrrrmanxxs's were capable of crafting into their nets. After this incident, all nets in the UK were required to meet the exacting standards of Mr. Wshlgrrmanxxs, who developed his net-weaving technique over decades spent braiding the hair of noble girls in many a public tavern. Mr. Wshlgrrmanxxs was known for his nets and his patented seventeen-strand Queen's Knot Braid, is the point of this aside.).

Gef is a regular looking duck. He has a white body, orange feet, and an orange beak. Except for this one little black spot on his left foot. Gef has always been self-conscious about that black spot, as he feels it makes him stand out too much from other ducks. Gef often goes out of his way to stand or sit in such a way that the tiny black birth mark is hidden from the view of other ducks.

Gef lives in a modest apartment, a handsome two bedroom with an open floor plan and hardwood floors throughout. Gef's girlfriend Blaire lives with him. She moved in about a year ago and things are getting rocky in the relationship as Gef feels she might be using him for his money. Gef's mother died five years back and left him a sizeable inheritance which he has in turn invested wisely and Gef is currently living comfortably off of the interest in his trading accounts.

So, one day, Gef goes into Best Buy and he's just kinda walking around, checking out the new release Blu-Rays. Gef is really into Bulgarian arthouse films. It's a fascinating genre whose films mostly consist of long, lingering shots of women's knees as they sit on a bus. The runtime of the most popular examples of Bulgarian arthouse cinema often top six hours. It's a challenging genre that requires true dedication and love of the cinematic arts. Gef is a bit of a cinephile, is the point, I guess.

Gef's walking around and he sees an employee with a nametag that reads: Jim. Gef walks up to Jim and awkwardly shuffles around, trying not to present the black spot on his left foot to Jim. Jim finally looks down and notices this rather ordinary looking duck with the white body and orange feet and orange beak standing there.

"Can I help you?"

Gef looks up and cocks his head to one side before answering, "Got any grapes?"

Jim looks confused for a few moments, begins to answer one thing, stops, and finally goes with the simplest answer he can think of, "Uh, dude, this is a Best Buy, we don't have grapes. Sorry?"

Gef just nods his head, as ducks do, and says, "Cool cool. Thanks, anyway." and turns around to go look for Der Schulringerzingers's Knees IV : Glorpinschotpper's Revenge. He already had a copy of the award-winning film on DVD, but what he really wanted was a Blu-Ray copy with the 8 minutes of additional footage added by the director. Gef had already checked Amazon, and it was sold out everywhere, so he figured Best Buy would be the most logical next place to find a very well-known Bulgarian arthouse film.

After not finding his film, Gef decided to head home. Blaire was mad because she didn't believe Gef that the store was out of grapes. Gef just wanted to drink a pale ale and read his great-grandfather's memoir a little bit before heading to bed. Gef's favorite pale ale is this really smooth micro-brew called Schlammin Salmon. Schlammin Salmon is brewed and bottled in Kiev, Wisconsin by a group of Quakers that rejected traditional Quaker life as being "too wild". Great group of guys.

So a couple of days later, Gef's back at Best Buy, hoping to find Der Schulringerzingers's Knees IV : Glorpinschotpper's Revenge, even if it's just a regular Blu-Ray without the extra 8 minutes of footage added by the director.

Gef sees Jim and heads that way. Jim looks down as Gef shuffles around, hiding the tiny black spot on his otherwise gloriously flawless orange foot.

"Hey, you're that duck from the other day, right?"

"Yeah, man. Thanks for remembering me."

"Anything I can help you with?"

Gef shuffles his (mostly) orange feet, "Got any grapes?"

Jim was a little annoyed at this weird duck with the flawless orange feet that kept coming into HIS place of employment and harassing him about grapes. Jim had been deathly afraid of grapes since he was four years old and what his mom calls "The Fruit That Shall Not Be Named Incident of 1984". The Incident began a 27-year long crusade by Jim to avoid being around the fearsome fruit. So he was more than a little annoyed as he answered, "Listen, man, I already told you we don't have grapes here. I'm getting a little tired of you coming in here and harassing me. If you come back here one more time asking about grapes, I'm gonna staple your beak shut!"

Gef shuffled back a few steps, making sure to keep the black spot out of sight, "Alright, alright, no problem, man. You don't have grapes, I get it." Gef shakes his head in that way ducks do and walks out of Best Buy, grapeless.

Gef got home and Blaire yelled at him some more about the grapes. Gef put on a film and fell asleep to the shockingly bold camera angles and masterful lighting techniques of famed Bulgarian auteur Terrniglobingham. Terrniglobingham's films were often described by even fans of the genre as "challenging", with their well over 8 hour runtimes and unmoving shots of decaying dogs on hot freshly poured blacktop.

So a few days go by and Gef finds himself back in Best Buy. He sees Jim and waddles over, shuffling about as he stops to hide his left foot behind his right. Jim looks down and sees the perfectly ordinary duck with the flawless orange feet and he's kinda happy to see Gef, since Jim has been having problems with his aging mother who is in the early stages of dementia and isn't able to properly care for herself any more. Jim looks down at this gorgeous little duck with the flawless orange webbed feet and he smiles just a little, like people do, and Jim says, "Hey man, good to see you again. What can I help you with?"

Gef glances down quickly to make sure his tiny black birthmark is hidden from Jim's view, then looks up to meet Jim's grey-eyed gaze. The grey eyes were a fascinating genetic leftover sort-of-hand-me-down type situation. See, Jim's great-grandfather, Colonel Richard Tipp, of the North Carolina Tipps (NOT the South Carolina Tipps, which were mountain men of some fearsome regard. The South Carolina Tipps were known to set bear traps along popular trade routes, picking through their crop of entrapped travelers to find the most likely wives), was of Transylvanian descent; Transylvanians, of course, are known for having the extremely rare DDNC420 gene that when expressed gives the clear grey eye color that I've been trying to describe to you for a while now.

Gef says, "Got any staples?"

Jim is relieved the question wasn't about the Fruit That Shall Not Be Named, "I think we might by the printers and stuff. Stay right here, I'll go take a look."

Jim heads off to find the staples and Gef contents himself with looking at a DVD copy of Herr Blumingsclongers ode to dislocated kneecaps Scpliegeneneneneflaurburg's Flowers, which was shot in 1972 by a half-blind Dutchman who had immigrated to Bulgaria during the second world war to escape persecution in his home country by a group of rival filmmakers who had decided that knees were not an aesthetically pleasing enough body part for study on film, instead demanding that shins become the new genre standard.

Jim comes back in a couple of minutes and stops in front of Gef, who shuffles around a bit to hide the tiny black mark on his otherwise flawless orange webbed foot.

"Sorry, man, we are completely out of staples."

Gef nods in that way that ducks do and cocks his head to one side, "Got any grapes?" #lamejoke

Ghost

WARNING! TODAY'S JOKE IS FOR ADULTS ONLY! IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED, DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING JOKE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Once, when I was travelling in the deep south of the USA, I decided to try and understand the culture there.

I was invited by one of my co-workers to attend an evangelical preachers' event, where I could see something that was really “out there”

We went along to a large stadium that seated around 40,000 people. The event was full and everyone was quite excited to be there. The atmosphere was electric. Upon entering I was amazed at the setup, there were lights everywhere , the sound was loud , the crowd was pumped and it was more like a rock concert than going to a church function. In order to get the crowd to a fever pitch there were bands on before the preachers and there was even a very famous pop singer came on to do a song.

The first preacher then came on , he started with a bang. Literally there were fireworks and pyrotechnics. This was some event!

He started preaching in his best preachers voice, “Is everyone having a good time tonight” he shouted.

The crowd loved it and cheered back.

“I'm here to talk to you TONIGHT about the afterlife”

The crowd cheers again.

“I travel from the EAST to the WEST , all over this wide land talking about connecting people with the other side. I ask the PEOPLE about their connection with the other side!”

The crowd hangs on every word , and people are quite overcome with the emotion of the situation. There are people yelling out things like “Praise Be!”

“I ask the people when I travel around , and I ask them “Have you EVER... EVER.... seen a GHOST?””

Lights go on , wild music starts playing and the crowd goes wild. The spotlights pick out people in the crowd that have put their hands up. People near those with their hands in the air are pounding them on the back and pointing them out to others near them. About 20 percent of the crowd have seen a ghost.

“That's amazing” the preacher yells. “Praise those blessed people , and praise the afterlife”

The crowd is lapping the whole thing up without exception. They are all on their feet chanting and stamping their feet. The sound stops and the lights go down again.

“ I travel from the EAST to the WEST , all over this wide land and I ask the PEOPLE questions” The preacher has the people in the palm of his hand. “ I ask the PEOPLE.. Have you EVER... EVER..... TOUCHED a ghost?”

The lights remain low.

The crowd goes silent.

Some of the people in the crowd raise their hand. Around 500 people have touched a ghost.

The lights pick up the people with their hands up. The music starts up again. The crowd loses..its...mind.

“GIVE THOSE PEOPLE A CHEER” the preacher yells. Sweat pours off his face. He runs frantically around the stage.

The people with their hands up stand up.. everyone is cheering. The music is blaring.

“Now... everyone quiet down now”

The music again stops. The lights dim. The crowds sits down expectantly awaiting the next revelation.

The preacher begins again in hushed tones.

“I travel from the EAST to the WEST, from the NORTH to the SOUTH , all over this wide land. I have NEVER , EVER heard an affirmative to this question”

The crowd is hushed, what could it be?

“Has anyone, out there, tonight, who has ever, ever, FUCKED A GHOST?”

The crowd is amazed.

Everyone is silent, there is not a movement in the whole stadium. The preacher has his hand shielding his eyes , searching the crowd. The ushers in the crowd are scanning everyone in their area. The crowd are craning their neck looking around.

Then – one person – way in the back of the crowd puts his hand tentative in the air.

His neighbors, unbelieving nudge each other. Could it be true? They elbow him and encourage him to lift his hand up.

Other people in the area look around. Someone starts clapping. The usher looks over, sees the guy and excitedly raises his hand up to signal he has seen something.

One single spotlight swings around over the crowd. It picks the solitary man up and more people turn around. More people start clapping. The guy gets more confident, raising his hand as high as it will go.

The preacher notices the excitement way in the back of the arena , his eyes go wide in disbelief. He stumbles over to the edge of the stage and looks out.

“Can this be true?” The preacher says in amazement.

More lights swing over to the solitary man in the crowd. He is now lit up and the whole section is clapping and cheering for him. People are slapping him on the back. His eyes are wild with pride.

“ITS A MIRACLE” The preacher screams.

The lights all go on. The music blares at top volume.

“COME ON DOWN” the preacher yells , motioning with both his arms flailing the man should come down to the stage. The man stands up tentatively, but with the cheers of the crowd gathers confidence as he slowly works his way to the aisle. He gets to the aisle and starts walking down. “GIVE THAT GUY AN HALLELUJAH” The preacher screeches.

The entire crowd screams out. The man is boosted again and starts jogging down. The preacher is jumping wildly on the stage.

The man, increasing in confidence with every step starts pumping his fist in the air as he is running down to the stage.

The crowd is jumping up and down in unison. People are crying and weeping. Old ladies are fainting. Men are foaming at the mouth and speaking in tongues. Its a frenzy of activity.

The man reaches the stage. Pyrotechnics explode while balloons are dropping from the roof. The balloons catch fire and land on the crowd. No one minds as they are so enthralled by the display. A dance team comes up behind the preacher followed by a full choir.

The choir sings at the top of their voices.

People lift the man up on their shoulders and carry him to the stage.

“HALLELUJAH AND PRAISE BE” the preacher pants. Both him and the man are out of breath.

The music drops and the crowd goes into a hushed silence

“Now tell everyone – out there , how you fucked a ghost”

The man looks confused, looks over to the preacher and says,

“Ghost? I thought you said goat!” #lamejoke

Butcher

There was once an anthropologist named Dave who frequently boasted that he had seen every native ritual of every tribe in the world. He had seen the death rituals of the Zulu, the birth rituals, of the Watusi, and every ritual in between. He had even, making strategic use of camera drones, recorder a coming-of-age ritual of the infamous North Sentinelese.

One day, in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, Dave was boasting of his many adventures over his favorite drink, when he noticed a teenage boy staring at him. "Hey, mister," said the boy. "I bet you never seen the Butcher Dance."

Dave was confused. He thought he knew every ritual created by humans, but he had never heard of the Butcher Dance. "What's the Butcher Dance?" he asked.

"I show you tomorrow, but it cost lotta money."

"Well, I've got five hundred U.S. dollars. Will that cover it?"

The boy grinned. "You got a deal, mister!"

The next morning, Dave and the boy set out on their journey. Into the rainforest, through a secret mountain pass, down a winding river, to a place Dave had never seen. Beautiful flowers blossomed there, flowers that existed nowhere else on earth. Dave was the most excited he had ever been in his life! As they dragged the raft onto the shore of the river, Dave saw a group of natives. "You wait here," said the boy. "I talk to the chief."

Dave waited by the raft as the boy talked to a large man wearing an elaborate headdress. The language seemed to consist of whistles, clicks, and small burping sounds. The boy returned to Dave, looking despondent. "Sorry, mister," he said. "They did the Butcher Dance last night. Won't do it again for five years."

"But I've come all this way," said Dave. "Can't they do it again?"

"Shhhh! You no let them hear you ask," said the boy. "Very bad juju to do the Butcher Dance twice in five years. Make the spirits angry!"

And so there was nothing for it. Despondent and miserable, Dave left with the boy and returned to town. Promising to return in five years' time, Dave went back to the States. He did the lecture circuit, telling eager young anthropologists of everything he had seen, but all he kept thinking about was the Butcher Dance. It consumed his every waking moment, but there was no information available anywhere about it. None of his colleagues had even heard of it.

Finally, five years almost to the day from the time he had first heard of the Butcher Dance, the time arrived. Dave gathered notebooks, cameras, and audio recorders in a waterproof backpack, and flew to the Congo. He found the bar, and sure enough, the boy, now a man, was waiting for him. "You ready to see the Butcher Dance?" he asked, grinning.

"I feel like I've been waiting my whole life," said Dave.

And so they set off. Into the rainforest, through the secret mountain pass, and down the winding river. As they dragged the raft to shore, the chief spoke to the young man. Dave waited patiently, his heart in his throat. Grinning from ear to ear, his young guide exclaimed, "We made it! They do the Butcher Dance tonight!"

Feeling like a little boy again, Dave excitedly got his equipment set up, and sat in the village to wait. One of the locals brought him a meal of berries and leaves he couldn't identify. Finally, sunset! Dave felt like he was going to burst from excitement. As the moon rose, all the villagers gathered around the fire pit, each holding one piece of firewood. They stacked it carefully, and the chief poured a strange liquid on it. Rubbing two sticks together, the chief created a spark, and the whole stack of wood was engulfed in flames. The villagers gathered around. Dave checked his cameras to make sure they were recording. Someone started playing a bongo drum, and all the villagers extended their left arms toward the fire as the chief began to sing, in perfect English:

"You Butcher left arm in, you Butcher left arm out..." #lamejoke

Contest

I’ve won first place in this Halloween costume contest 16 years in a row. This year, I am dressed as a hot dog. I'm on a roll. #lamejoke

Night

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night. #lamejoke?

Bouncer

A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and a washing machine steps out adorned in shining jewelry.

She heads towards the door and the bouncer lets her in without question.

The mirror scoffs and stares in utter contempt as the washing machine enters.

A short time later, a dingy looking sink trudges towards the door. He looked worn out and had a large crack down the front of his bowl.

The bouncer stops him and says, 'Not tonight buddy'.

The sink pleads to be let in but the bouncer scolds him for not even attempting to follow the dress code and again refuses entry.

Dejected, the sink steps away unsure of what to do with his night now.

The mirror takes a pull on his cigarette, turns to the bouncer and says 'You need to take a long, hard look at yourself'.

'What do you mean?' replies the bouncer, taken aback.

'That toilet you let in? He's a big shot lawyer at a multinational corporation. Made his fortune shitting all over the little guy and only looking out for #1.'

The mirror continued;

'The washing machine? She launders money for the cartel!'

The bouncer shuffles uncomfortably.

The mirror takes another drag of his cigarette.

'But whatever, I don't even mind that you let those guys in. My gripe is about the guy you left out' said the mirror.

'Hey, what do you want me to do about that?' Defended the bouncer. 'He was a mess!'

'That mess', the mirror imitated in a sarcastic tone

'Served 10 years active duty in the army. Got that crack taking a bullet for you and your country, now needs to collect disability to survive, and you just turned him away like he was nothing'

'You let in those horrible people who make yours and everybody else's lives worse, but turned away the one guy who gave everything he had for the greater good'

The bouncer felt a huge pang of guilt.

The mirror threw his cigarette to the ground, gave the bouncer and stern gaze and said 'Let that sink in' #lamejoke

Cher

A new casino is opening in Las Vegas and Cher is the headline act. In the barely-finished auditorium, the entertainment director has lined up over 20 Cher impersonators, all dressed in different costumes from Cher's long music and acting career.

"OK," says the director, "When the curtain goes UP, I want you all to walk forward AS ONE, keeping in mind that the *real* Cher will be walking in front of you & starting her act with 'If I Could Turn Back Time'. Then you simply peel off to the sides and you're done. And ACTION!"

And OF COURSE the Cher impersonator who's dressed in nothing but duct tape and fishnets takes that as their cue to be a bit special, so they add a bit of a strut to their walk & the director is immediately incensed. "CUT! Back to positions!! SOMEONE has to learn to WALK!"

They start again, only THIS time the director calls "CUT!" and has a MASSIVE rant at the 'Moonstruck' version of Cher, who's been holding her arms up in the air and raising one leg FAR too high with EVERY step in an attempt to emulate the famous movie poster.

They start AGAIN.

THIS time, it's the 'hippy' version of Cher that catches his eye.

"CUT!!!!! Listen, you are DRESSED as a hippy, we can all SEE you're a hippy, you do NOT need to throw peace signs all over the place, just WALK NORMALLY!!"

Everyone goes back to their positions. They start AGAIN.

THIS time, the impersonator dressed in the black sequined number Cher wore to the 1988 Academy Awards brings a replica Oscar out of nowhere and holds it aloft victoriously. The director is BESIDE himself, marches up on stage, snatches the statuette, and throws it against a wall.

The statuette is ceramic and smashes into a million pieces and some of the Cher impersonators start crying. The director LOSES it.

"NO!" he screams, "You have to CHER, and CHER ALIKE!" #lamejoke

Forest

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

And so they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline. #lamejoke

Cheese

Fred was a hard-working artisan who had tried producing many different styles of cheese. Most of these ended in failure. He started with brie, but the result was too breezy.. His Swiss was unholy and his cheddar was very dull. Even his processed American Cheese Product was altogether too real.

At last it came to him that his problem was a matter of proper timing. His most successful effort worked when the cheese became finished on the last day of October. Thus, fortuitously, he created the perfect Halloween muenster. #lamejoke 

Fruit

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden is my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old, it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. "

The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!" Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in college and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author"

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in college! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date." #lamejoke

Drink

A ghoul’s favorite drink? Anything with boos. #lamejoke

Wigs

Two hundred wigs were stolen from a local store this morning. The police are combing the area. #lamejoke

Fruit

Somebody broke into my house and stole all my fruit. I was peachless! #lamejoke

Sousaphone

To fix a sousaphone, use a tuba glue. #lamejoke

Pumpkin

The neighbor's house burned down after they left their Halloween pumpkin burning all night. The insurance company denied the claim. Apparently, it was an Act Of Gourd. #lamejoke

Tower

They warned me not to lean over the edge of the tower in Paris. Eiffel. #lamejoke 

Pancakes

I went to a haunted house where they served French pancakes. Gave me the crepes. #lamejoke

Store

I was actually pretty surprised when the stationery store moved. #lamejoke