Working

The coin machine at the US Mint stopped working without explanation. It just doesn't make sense. #lamejoke

Abbreciation

Does anyone else forget the abbreviation for Maine or is it just ME? #lamejoke

Owl

The external organ an owl uses to breathe? Who knows? #lamejoke

Competition

Then there's the one about the competition between the different cat litter companies. The winner gets the catastrophe. #lamejoke

Talk

If being around baby chickens has taught me one thing, it's that talk is cheep. #lamejoke

Ability

It seems that my ability to make puns has groan over time. #lamejoke

Favorite

People ask what my favorite tongue-twister is. It's hard to say. #lamejoke

Art

I’ve been showing the work of some of my favorite graphic artists to my friends. But for some reason, whenever I bring out MC Escher’s art, I get weird stairs. #lamejoke

Toddler

 The toddler pooped his pants, but kept on playing… undie-turd. #lamejoke

Cheese

Edam is the only cheese that is made backwards. #lamejoke

Sherlock Holmes

No matter how many times she tried, Sherlock Holmes's wife could never convince him to grow fond of her pet goose. You see, he was a master of the duck shun. #lamejoke

Dog

The sled dog puppy shopped at the Big & Tall store because he was a little husky. #lamejoke

Difference

The major difference between a well dressed man and a tired out dog is that one wears a suit and the other just pants. #lamejoke

Hair

Joey was storing all his facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile. When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said, "No, it's a must stash." #lamejoke

Theater Admission

I asked the movie theater attendant for one admission. He said he liked wearing his wife’s shoes when she wasn’t home. #lamejoke

Massage

 The massage I had today? Much kneaded. #lamejoke

Laughing

 Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii or just a low ha? #lamejoke

Frog

Joey's pet frog broke one of his legs today. He was very unhoppy. #lamejoke

Artist

 The cowboy artist drew his gun. #lamejoke

Building

I'm building a car from old washing machine parts. As soon as it's done, I'm gonna take it out for a spin. #lamejoke

Class

Does Santa take his sleigh to his magic class or does he take a luge in? #lamejoke 

Broom

 The broom was too tired because it needed some sweep. #lamejoke

Eclipse

 Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? No son. #lamejoke

Quiet

 Honk if you love peace and quiet. #lamejoke

Chess

 I just got a job as a human chess piece. I'm on knights this week. #lamejoke

Comfort

 To comfort a distraught English teacher, just say, "They're, there, their." #lamejoke

Help

Joey's obsessed with collecting old Beatles records. His friends say he needs help, but I think he already has that one. #lamejoke 

Alone

 I was alone in the bathtub. Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder! #lamejoke

French

I don’t speak or understand French. Such is life. #lamejoke 

Bed

 Before Jeff Bazos goes to bed every night, he puts his pajamazon. #lamejoke

Ghost

Joey found out that his girlfriend is really a ghost. He had his suspicions the moment she walked through the door. #lamejoke

Vegans

 Do social vegans avoid meet? #lamejoke

Voodoo

Joey's wife yelled from upstairs, "Honey, do you ever get a shooting pain like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they are stabbing it?" "No", said he. She replied, "How about now?" #lamejoke

Driving

We were driving yesterday, and suddenly my wife turned to me and said, “Hey, you missed a right." I said, “Thanks babe. You MRS. right.” #lamejoke

Amnesia

 Joey's had amnesia for as long as he can remember. #lamejoke

Yoda

 Yoda's last name? Layheehoo. #lamejoke

Kitten

I found what looked like a kitten frozen in my iced-over pool. I dug it out and let it defrost, it turned out to be a big squirrel. I thought I thaw a pussycat. #lamejoke

Labor

I remember, a number of years back, when my wife was in labor, she started shouting, "Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!" The doctor said," Don't worry, those are just contractions." #lamejoke

Bunny

 I fell asleep with my pet bunny in my bed last night. I woke up in the middle of the night with the hare standing up on the back of my neck. #lamejoke

Contest

 I've just entered the neighborhood's tightest hat contest. I hope I can pull it off. #lamejoke

Bar

 A bossy man walks into a bar. He orders everyone a round. #lamejoke

Tree

 The tree that got lost took the wrong root and couldn't leaf. #lamejoke

Noises

What do we want? Car noises! When do we want them? Nyow! #lamejoke #bonuslamejoke

Anniversary

Joey was recording his wife’s speech at her parents’ 50th wedding anniversary, but his battery died halfway through. Now he'll never hear the end of it. #lamejoke

Triangle

 A shout out to the guy who played the triangle with our band for the last few years - thanks for everyting. #lamejoke 

Earth

 The broadening of planet Earth is a world-wide problem. #lamejoke

Diet

 Been on this diet for a while now. I'm waisting away. #lamejoke

Fish

 A fish with two knees? Two knee fish. #lamejoke 

Knees

 The only gift Joey got for his birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards. He's finding it hard to deal with. #lamejoke

Race

 You never want to challenge an extreme dieter to a footrace…. cuz they fast! #lamejoke

Speaker

"It's a pleasure to be the keynote speaker for The Purple Fruit Growers Association," said Tim, with much aplomb. #lamejoke

Wheel

 Before the invention of the wheel, moving stuff around was a real drag. #lamejoke

Mingle

 The drunk didn't mingle at the party. He just sot in the corner. #lamejoke

Talk

My friend, Jack, can talk to vegetables. You see, Jack and the beans talk. #lamejoke

Deodorant

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth. Now, when I talk, I have this weird Axe scent. #lamejoke

Name

I wanted to name one of our sons Lance, but my wife said that was too uncommon. But, you know, back in medieval days, people named their sons Lance a lot. #lamejoke

Whiteout

 I dared to ask my wife why she is ordering a giant tub of whiteout. Big mistake. #lamejoke

Art

Collecting Impressionist art is a pricey hobby. It requires a lot of Monet. #lamejoke

Vikings

The Vikings had this initiation tradition in which a boy had to participate in a raid to be considered a man. As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child. #lamejoke

Forest

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline...

Seafood

I knew I shouldn't have had the seafood. I'm feeling eel. #lamejoke

Eye

I met a man with a glass eye this morning...He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation. #lamejoke

Squid

I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian. He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes. #lamejoke

Dentist

I was the only appointment my dentist had today. But, I had to cancel. Now, it seems, I’m a disappointment. #lamejoke

Marshmallow

My wife was upset that I'd only given her a single marshmallow. I think she wanted s'more. #lamejoke

Tire

Joey was changing a tire when the car dropped on his foot. Now he needs a tow. #lamejoke

Pastimes

With everyone in the family tired of the usual pastimes, we're playing bored games. #lamejoke

Accident

In a freak accident, the laboratory sink came to life, made its way to the mad scientist's door, and knocked. Let that sink in…. #lamejoke

Lottery

This week’s winning lottery numbers are 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9. I mean, seriously, what are the odds!?! #lamejoke

Canoe

I ate too many canoe paddles. Now I feel oarful. #lamejoke

Vegetables

Lately, I’ve grown increasingly apathetic towards eating vegetables. Some days, I just don’t carrot all. #lamejoke

Math

Having only one math tutoring office won’t work. You need to open multiple divisions. #lamejoke

Drain

I shouldn't have tried to put those wooden shoes down the drain. Now it's clogged. #lamejoke

DeLoreans

You ever notice how few DeLoreans you see on the road? I guess their owners only drive them from time to time. #lamejoke

Autopsy

Everyone was pretty excited about the last Autopsy Club meeting. It was open Mike night. #lamejoke

Eyes

If people didn't have eyes, they'd look funny. #lamejoke

Riot

I've heard that some riot police get up early to beat the crowds. #lamejoke

Velcro

Sadly the inventor of velcro has passed away. RIP. #lamejoke

Color

The color of the wind? Blew. #lamejoke

Octopuses

I once saw two octopuses that looked the exact same. Itentacle twins? #lamejoke

Grammar

Joey just told me he needs major surgery: he's having half his intestine removed. (Ooops, excuse my grammar. That should be a semi-colon.) #lamejoke

Horn

I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but sometimes I have trouble getting into the driver's seat. #lamejoke

Argentina

They say Argentina is cold, but it's more correct to say that it borders on Chile. #lamejoke

Japanese Folklore

According to ancient Japanese lore, the color of a person’s aura changes to cyan before they die. Cyan-aura. #lamejoke

Asparagus

I bought ten pieces of asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had eleven. It was just a spare, I guess. #lamejoke

Lego Store

The Lego store is finally reopening. People will be lined up for blocks. #lamejoke

Mount Rushmore

Before Mount Rushmore was carved, its natural beauty was unpresidented. #lamejoke

Chewbacca

Larry LaPrise

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 83. The most traumatic part both for his family and the funeral home was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in and then the trouble started.... #lamejoke

I have the best skin care routine. It’s not good enough to bring you to tears, but it’ll certainly moisturize. #lamejoke

Let me begin by telling you a little bit about myself. It's a reflective pronoun that means "me". #lamejoke

I bought my grandchildren some crayons recently. They make my kin scrawl. #lamejoke

Joey once lived a stone's throw away from a family that all died of mysterious head injuries. #lamejoke

Chopped pickles relish their days off. #lamejoke

The bird feeder in the backyard is empty. I'm anticipating some nasty tweets. #lamejoke

I'm having trouble organizing a hide-and-seek league. Good players are hard to find. #lamejoke

It costs a Quid each to go to Hogwarts. #lamejoke

I made some fish tacos last night, but they just ignored them and swam away. #lamejoke

Today I learned that people eat more bananas than monkeys. In fact, I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey. #lamejoke

We imported a tree from Canada. It's pretty oak, eh. #lamejoke

Will the quarantine end on April 30th? It May…. #lamejoke

Never let anyone tell you what can or cannot do. Just look at Beethoven - everyone told him he wouldn't make it as a musician. But did he listen? #lamejoke

My uncle is the bass in a barbershop quartet. Yesterday was his first time to sing so low. #lamejoke

My recliner and I go way back. #lamejoke

Joey's wife believes she's a satellite radio. At first, he thought she was kidding. But apparently, she's sirius. #lamejoke

With all the concern about plastic waste these days, it's easy to see why clingfilm gets such a bad wrap. #lamejoke

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence. #lamejoke

Nail salons closed. Lash salons closed. Hair salons closed. Tanning salons closed. Waxing salons closed. It's about to get ugly out there. #lamejoke

Did you know that a school of piranha can devour a child in 30 seconds?!?! On another subject, I lost my job at the aquarium today. #lamejoke

Don't be angry with lazy people. They didn't do anything. #lamejoke

I accidentally ate some cat food. Don't ask meow. #lamejoke

Only a nickel for an embroidered pinwheel? Good buy, crewel whirled! #lamejoke

If spinsters have lots of cats, it's prolly a pretty good indication of many paws. #lamejoke

I totally forgot that yesterday was pancake day again. It really créped up on me this year. #lamejoke

I was once in a band called Teenage Bed. We never made it. #lamejoke

Go ahead, make fun of me for not knowing what confectioners sugar is. It's fine. #lamejoke

Some students pore over their lessons, while others just give them a preflunktory glance. #lamejoke

Body shops do a bang up business. #lamejoke

I'm thinkin' that hypothetical situations could also be called whether forecasts. #lamejoke

I was reading the history of the French Revolution, and just found out what happened to Louis XVI 's head. [removed] #lamejoke

Joey started his new occupation helping to move patients around the hospital. He says that it's a rewarding job. #lamejoke

The helium balloon business is reaching new heights. Customers speak highly of it. #lamejoke

Salvador Dali's favorite breakfast food was surreal. #lamejoke

At the ranch, I heard a foal neigh and thought it might be sick. They told me that it was just a little horse. #lamejoke

Where's the programmer? He went data way. #lamejoke

Not everyone can be deceptive. There's a trick to it. #lamejoke

Anakin Skywalker was arrested while driving a cab. He was a taxi Vader. #lamejoke

To help Joey lose weight, the doctor recommended a glutton-free diet. #lamejoke

No one ever lined up for queuecumbers. #lamejoke

The embattled Russian emperor was thrown into a ditch. Upon being pulled out, he remarked that he was not a fan of Czar chasm. #lamejoke

I can’t stand rabid bargain hunters. I avoid them like the Couponic Plague. #lamejoke

With Christmas over, Rudolph the Reindeer spends his time producing electricity. Sounds strange, but he nose watt he’s doing. #lamejoke

Write a blog? I'm not a post to that. #lamejoke

I decided to make my own furniture. Sofa it's going well. #lamejoke

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving. #lamejoke

Back in college we were having a biology lecture about Pavlov's dog. We laughed and we laughed, then the bell rang and we all went to the cafeteria. #lamejoke