What do you call a factory that sells passable products? 

A satisfactory.

What do you call a bird that coughs a lot? 

A phlegmingo.

What's the resemblance between a green apple and a red apple? 

They’re both red except for the green one.

A friend called me last night, quite confused, to say a couple of sausages hit him on the head on the way home from the pub. 

"That's nothing!" I replied. "I got hit by four steaks, two pork chops and a leg of lamb."

"What could it be?" he asked.

"I'm not sure, but mine was definitely a meatier shower!"

What do you call a doctor who takes care of whales teeth? 

An orcadontist.

Which public office did the stallion run for? 

Mare.

What's the most commonly misspelled blood type? 

Type O.

What happened when the escalator broke down? 

Everyone stopped and staired.

What do you call sandwich meat if you put it on your lower leg? 

Below knee.

Who was the best kung fu vegetable? 

Brock Lee.

What's the best way to install a toilet relative to the wall? 

Flush.

"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains." 

"Pull yourself together, man."

What show do cows love to watch while they're eating?

Graze Anatomy.

If a crab were employed in a pizza parlor, in which work position would it work? 

The crust station.

How do billboards talk to each other? 

They use sign language.

Where do people go to learn to make ice cream? 

Sundae school.

What do you call a tree with no money? 

Burr oak.

If a father asked his child if he would like a tropical fruit, what would the kid say? 

Papa, ya.

Why don't bakers throw away dough? 

Because they're gonna knead it later.

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Jap, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub.

The doorman stops them and says, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai." 

What's warm and smells like a worm? 

A bird fart.

What do you call the Russian monarch of canyons? 

Czar Chasm.

What do you get when someone hits you with a couple of beer cans? 

A brews.

This pirate went to see the doctor about the moles on his back.

"I wouldn't worry about it," said the doctor, "They're benign."

"Count 'em again, doc," said the pirate, "You'll find there be ten."

What kind of sports car do broke people drive? 

A Poorsche.

What do you call a laughing piano? 

A Yamahahahahaha.

Why don't they put advertisements on The Hulk? 

He's basically a giant banner.

Why was the large vegetable sad after his baseball game? 

He realized he was a meaty-okra athlete.

What's a zookeeper's favorite pasta? 

Turtle-ini.