What do you call a mushroom you can take anywhere?

A portable-o.

What is Roman cheese? 

Cheese that won't sit still.

Joey took his seven year old son to the zoo yesterday. 

While they were walking around, he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' elephant!”

Joey was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at them. “What did you just call it?” he asked.

“It's a frickin' elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said. 

And so it did: A F R I C A N Elephant.

Where do eggplants come from?

Chicken plants.

One day, a boy was playing with his friends when they got into an argument.

His friend finally said, "Oh yeah! I hear your mom likes giant purple flasters!"

Confused, the young boy went home. In the kitchen, he saw his mom and he asked her, "Mom. What is a purple flaster?"

His mom blushed and got angry. "Where did you hear that? Don't ever ask me that again! If you want to know go ask your father!"

Now, really confused, the boy goes to the garage and finds his father. "Dad, I asked mom a question but she said I should talk to you. What's a purple flaster?"

His dad blushes and says, "Who told you about that.... you shouldn't be asking me that.... if you want to know about that you should go talk to Father Flanagan at the church."

So the boy jumps on his bike and rides to the church. He goes inside and finds Father Flanagan. "Father I am really confused. I asked Mom and Dad about purple flasters but they got mad and wouldn't tell me. They said I should talk to you about it."

Father Flanagan replied, "Ah, dear boy, you are too young to know about such things... come back in a year and I will tell you all about it."

So the boy, still confused, jumps on his bike and heads for home. As he crosses the street.... BAM! He gets hit by a truck.

The moral of the story: Look both ways before you cross the street.

Why can't two elephants go swimming? 

Because they only have one pair of trunks.

Why do chemists love nitrates so much? 

Because they are cheaper than dayrates.

What did the newspaper say about Pete Townshend's schnoz? 

Who nose.

There are some things I really like.

Like infomercials.

But wait, there's more.

What's pink and fluffy? 

Pink fluff.

How do cows pay for lunch? 

With moola.

What's a chicken's favorite game in  the pool? 

Marco Pollo.

What's a dog's favorite game to play in the pool? 

Barko polo.

How do midwives get paid? 

Cash on delivery.

How did the people behind the latest computer hack escape? 

They ransomware.

How many roadies does it take to change a light bulb? 

One, two! One, two! One, two! 

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Europe.

Europe who?

Not just me. You are too.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheburg.

This therapist had a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. 

So he tested it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raised their hands, each of them grinning widely. 

“Once a week?” A third of 
the audience members raised their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. 

“Once a month?” A few hands tepidly went up. Then he asked, “OK, how about once a year?”

One man in the back jumped up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. 

The therapist was shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asked, “why are you so happy?”

The man yelled, “Today’s the day!”

What do you call a mom with social anxiety?

Mum.

What did sushi A say to sushi B? 

WasssaBi!

Why didn't anyone want to go to the local tailor? 

Because he seamed like he was incompetent.

Sometimes I have a hard time telling people "No".

In fact, one of my friends gave me a mini-lecture about my inability say "No", and then told me that I really need to choose my "Noes".

To which, I, of course, responded, "No, rhinoplasty is too expensive!"

What's the difference between a mosquito and a fly?

You can't sew a zipper on a mosquito.

A distraught farmer asked a preacher what would happen if he killed a beaver who had begun working near the canal by his farm.

The preacher replied, "Damned if you do, dammed if you don't."

What's the proper way to address a hippie's wife? 

Mississippi.

What do bees call their wives? 

Honey.