What do you do to an open wardrobe? 

You closet.

Which President had the shortest term?

Grover Cleveland. He was the twenty second President.

Rick is sitting in his bar in Casablanca, enjoying a geometry textbook. 

He raises his glass and says...

"Here's looking at Euclid."

If The Rock runs for president in 2020, what's the only thing that can defeat him?

Paper.

The fence around our yard that's full of holes is a fence sieve. 

I strained to make this joke up as I was cooking dinner last night. 

And, as you can see, the punchline is pretty weak and doesn't hold water.

What do you call a temporary teacher fart? 

A substitoot.

What kind of underwear do letters wear?  

Diphthongs.

The five year old was asked at school what he wanted to be when he grew up.

His response? A hexagon.

All I have to say is that he'd better get into shape.

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl, both box seats.

He paid $1,700 for each ticket.

He didn't realize when he bought them that this was going to be on the same day as his wedding - so now he can't go.

If you are interested and would like to go in his place:

It's at St Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5:00pm.

Her name is Nancy.

She's great looking, 5'4", about 115 lbs.

Good cook.

Makes $90,000 a year!

She’ll be the one in the white dress.

Why are mermaids are always so pretty? 

Cosmetic sturgeons.

Which knight had the worst attitude?

Sir Lee.

Joey suddenly realized that his wife had fallen off her horse.

(Which was quite a relief to him, as just an hour earlier he thought he'd gone deaf.)

What did Spock find in the USS Enterprise toilet?

Captain's log.

Why does Yoda smell nice?

He uses de-Yoda-rant.

How many ears does Spock have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.

Joey broke his arm just above the elbow. 

When he went in to have it fixed, they said they would have to put him under. 

He woke up with the doctor looking at him with a very concerned and somewhat guilty look on his face. 

"It seems I have operated on the wrong part," he said. 

Joey looked down and his knee was all bandaged up. 

All he could mutter was, "This is not humerus."

Morty and Saul are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.

Saul, the banker, says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well."

Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid.

So Morty is begins tugging Saul toward shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to tire.

Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"

Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money."

When, roughly, does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

Tennish.

What do you call a Jamaican that can fly?

Super Mon!

Why did the blacksmith reject his newly forged sword? 

It smelt funny.

Why did the Egyptians build the pyramids?

To get to the other side.

My wife was telling me about this woman who had her dog's ashes turned into glass and then made into a ring. 

At that point I asked my wife if, when I die, she could turn me into a window, so even after I die, I can be a pane.

Why can't pirates finish the alphabet?

They get lost at c.

What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? 

Holmeless.

I had to defrost my car this morning. 

Unfortunately I didn't have an ice scraper so I had to use a card from my wallet. 

Pulled out my Walmart card and started scraping. 

Didn't do a very good job, only got 20% off.

Why would an hour glass only take half an hour to finish? 

It was filled with quick sand.

What is longer than rope?

No, it isn't.

What do you call an artist who strangles people? 

An artichoke.

What did the pirate bring to the party?

Da-balloons.

The Three Unwritten Rules Of Life
1)

2)
3)

What has four legs and an arm?

A contented Rottweiler.