Pavlov is sitting in the bar.

A customer walks in and the bell over the front door rings.

"Shit!" says Pavlov. "I forgot to feed the dog!"

What does a witch use to tell time?
 .
A witch watch.

Where is the bathroom for IT people located?

At the IP address.

How do you contact a symphony orchestra?

Euphonium.

This farmer asks a scarecrow if he likes his job.

"Well," says the scarecrow, "this job isn't for everyone, but hey, it's in my genes."

Our local brewery is trying to figure out who's been swimming in the vats of fermented apple juice.

They're fairly certain the culprit is an incider.

Measuring the speed of bugs is a great way to enhance any enjoyable experience.

If you don't believe me...

Time flies when you're having fun.

Why are trees useless at eating?

They're all bark and no bite.

First question: "Describe yourself in 3 words."

Joey: "I'm not very good with numbers."

(Thanks, Trish)

What do you call an arrogant criminal running down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

What material makes the best breast implants?

Mammary foam.

What happens if you go into labor in the ocean?

You have to have a sea section.

If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height?

From my head, tomatoes.

Why do ghosts shiver and moan? 

It's drafty under that sheet.

What do you call an egg that is neither good nor bad?

Mediyolkre.

Why did body painting stop the senator from casting a vote?

He was ab staining.

How do tiny bakers spice it up in the bedroom?

Roll playing.

Why do the French have only one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf!

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed as a convict for a costume party.

He soon learned you should never book a judge by their cover.

What is it called when a skeleton works for free?

Pro Bono.

Why was Han Solo crying at the dinner table?

Because the meat was Chewie.

What do you call a surgeon who repairs dog organs?

An in-terrier designer.

What do British krakens eat?

Fish and ships.

What was the biggest island on earth before Greenland was discovered?

Greenland.

What brand of coffee does an origami artist like the best?

Foldgers.

Why did the bug avoid the chair with the spider on it? 

It didn't want to get caught in the web of da seat.

A man and his companion, traveling the desert, see a cluster of tents in the middle of nowhere.

The man decides to investigate and he discovers that it's a marketplace.

The first stall he comes to has glass bowls filled with custard and pieces of cake.

He nods to the stall holder and goes to the second stall. It, too, has bowls filled with custard and cake.

He then goes to the next stall and the next stall, and all they seem to have is these bowls with filled with custard and cake.

He finally shakes his head in disbelief and returns to his friend.

His friend says "So what was that?"

He replies "It was a trifle bizarre."

What did the sushi say to the bee?

Wasabi.

What do you call a hen looking at a bowl of lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad.

Why did the two punsters get a divorce?

I reckon syllable differences.