Why did the people call the man that was late a tiny ass?

Because he was a little behind.

Two chickpeas are walking down the street when one chickpea starts to vomit.

The other chickpea asks, "Are you okay?" 

The vomiting chickpea answers, "No, I falafel."

What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious.

What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
 
Short.

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit."

What’s the opposite of irony? 

Wrinkly.

What did the pop star do when he locked himself out? 

He sang until he found the right key!

What do you call two young dogs that work in a library? 

Hush puppies.

What type of stories do ships like to read?

Ferry tales.

What does the piece of toast wear to bed?

Jammies!

What would you call a humorous joint in your leg?

Fun-ny!

A man has usually no idea how often he normally farts. 

That is, until he spends 24 hours with a girl he really likes.

In what school do you learn how to greet people?

Hi school.

What did the light bulb say to its mother?
 
I wuv you watts and watts.

Three French legionnaires were crossing the desert.

One looked up and saw a mirage and said, "By Gar!"

The second looked up, saw the mirage, and said, "By Gar!"

The third looked up and said, "Gee, a two gar mirage."

"Hey there, pa'dner. What the heck is that there rock that makes them words sound so much alike?" 

"“That's a rhyme stone, Cowboy."

What did the cowboy say to the cow that stood on the barn roof?

Get off the roof, cow!

What do postal workers do when they’re angry?
 
They stamp their feet.

How did the farmer find his lost cow?

He tractor down.

What do you call an imaginary color?

A pigment of your imagination.

What would you call a very funny mountain?

Hill Arious.

A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school. 

She turns to one little girl and says, "And what does your daddy do?"

The girl replies, "Whatever Mommy tells him to!!!!"

Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? 

There was no chemistry.

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

So their nuts don't get wet!

When Joey's girlfriend said she was leaving because of his obsession with The Monkees, he thought she was joking. 

And then he saw her face....

Don't struggle to think of what to get someone for a gift....

Get them a refrigerator and watch their face light up when they open it.

What do you call a piece of wood with nothing to do?

Bored!

Why do oars fall in love?

Because they’re row-mantic.

The king wanted to go fishing. 

He called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with the queen. 

On the way, he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area."

The king replied, “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him.” 

So the king continued on his way. However, a short time later, a torrential rain fell from the sky. The king and queen were totally soaked, and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. 

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to behead the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. 

The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”

So the king hired the donkey, and thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in government and occupy its most influential positions. The custom is unbroken to this day.

How do you cut the ocean in half?

With a sea-saw!