What’s a monster’s favorite dessert?

I scream!

What do you call a cow that you can’t see?

Invisibull.

Why was the Olympian not able to listen to music?

Because he broke the record!

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.

Then it becomes a soap opera.

What is the fastest liquid on earth?

Milk, because it's pasteurized before you see it.

The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous…

but backwards it’s even more stupid…

Joey said to the doctor, "Can you give me something for my liver?"

He handed Joey a pound of onions.

Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?

It’s true – when was the last time you ate a monkey?

What's the worst thing about ancient history class?

The teachers tend to Babylon.

How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?

1 or 2? 1... or 2?

It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay....

Joey was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.

How does Darth Vader like his toast? 

On the dark side.

I walked into the dentist’s and said, “I think I’m a moth.”

The dentist said, “I don’t think you should be here. You need to see a psychiatrist.”

I said, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.”

He said, “Then what are you doing here?”

I said, “The light was on.”

What do you call it when you lend money to a bison?

 A buff-a-loan!

Joey's dad has started wearing Joey's mom's clothes. And his mom has started wearing his dad's clothes.

They're becoming transparent.

He says that it's kind of a drag....

What happened to the sunburned banana?
 
It peeled!

I went for another job interview yesterday. The interviewer asked me what my biggest weakness was.

I said, “My honesty.”

He said, “I don’t think that’s a weakness.”

I said, “I don’t care what you think.”

I was at a job interview today.

The interviewer said to me, “On your resume, it says that you’re a man of mystery.”

I said, “That’s correct.”

He said, “Would you like to elaborate?”

I said, “No.”

My friend drowned in a half-empty bath tub yesterday…

and he was normally so optimistic.

I recently wrote a book on penguins.

With hindsight, I realize that paper would have been easier.

What did the truck driver say to the one-legged hitch hiker?

"Hop in."

Joey's dad always said to him, “Take it with a pinch of salt.”

Nice man.

Made horrible tea.

You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in a bowl of water.

If it sinks: girl ant.

If it floats: boy ant.

A piece of red tarmac and a piece of black tarmac were sitting quietly in the pub having a beer when this piece of green tarmac walks in, beats the living daylights out of the red piece of tarmac, and then storms off again.

The bartender says to the piece of black tarmac, “What the heck was all that about?”

The piece of black tarmac replies, “You have to be careful not to upset that one. He’s a bit of a cyclepath…”

I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino recently. 

After four weeks they still hadn’t been delivered so I rang them up to see what was going on.

They told me they were still dealing with my order…

I used to own a racing snail.

I thought taking it’s shell off would make it faster, but it only made it more sluggish.

“Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?” I asked the boss.

“Just pop it in the corner,” he said.

It took me three hours.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the bartender what they are for. 

The bartender replies, “If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar $100. Do you want to try?”

The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, “Nah, the steaks are too high!”

I'm having trouble sleeping recently. 

I keep waking up shouting, "The Hobbit, the Hobbit!"

Think I'm Tolkein in my sleep?

Why don’t foot fetishists ever win anything?

Because they like the taste of defeat.