The accountants suggested to Nero that he close down the Colosseum. 

"We're not making a drachma," they told him. 

"The lions are eating-up all the prophets."

How many of each animal did Moses take on the ark?
 
Moses didn’t take any animals on the ark. Noah did.

My fear of roses is a thorny issue. 

I'm not sure what it stems from, but it seems likely I'll be stuck with it.

What do you call the fear of being trapped in a chimney?

Claustrophobia.

What do you a call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less.

What kind of motorcycle does Santa drive?

A Holly Davidson.

What happened to the man who stole the Advent calendar?

He got 25 days.

What kind of car does Mickey Mouse's wife drive?
 
A minnie van!

The teacher said, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

A kid in the back throws a book out the window.

The teacher said, "Who just threw that?"

A boy replied, "Me and I’m going home now."

Why did the chicken go to the gym?
 
To work on his pecks!

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? 

Because he is a Supperhero.

Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E? 
 

Because he had a vowel movement.

Where does Fonzie like to go for lunch?

Chick-fil-eyyyyyy.

I've just been diagnosed as colorblind.

I know, it certainly has come out of the purple.

Why did the mother forbid her child to read Ivanhoe?
 
She heard it was full of Saxon violence.

Who was the straightest man in the Bible? 
 
Joseph. Pharaoh made a ruler out of him.

Are birth control pills deductible? 

Only if they don't work.

What's the name of the beloved Christmas carol about summer sun screen?

O Tanning Balm.

Why is the Pittsburgh police force so large?
 
Because many people make iron and steal.

Then there was the one about the guy who went downriver on a dozen pieces of wood lashed together. 

The wood capsized when he hit some whitewater rapids, but he was rescued and lived happily ever rafter.

A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says,"I'm sorry we don't serve poultry." 

The chicken replies, "That's ok, I only want a drink."

A little boy was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read the newspaper in the kitchen. The family dog, lying at the father's feet, heard the screeching violin and started to howl terribly. Soon the house was full of horrible violin music and even worse howling.

The father stayed silent for as long as he could stand it. Finally he threw his newspaper down on the floor, jumped to his feet, and yelled, "For heavens sake, couldn't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

A penguin waddles into a bar and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?"

The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

Which king invented the fireplace?

Alfred the Grate.

When is a Chinese restaurant considered successful?

When it makes a fortune, cookie.

What has a bottom at its top?

A leg.

There were these two soldiers in a tank.

One said to the other, "Blub, blub."

Who is the beloved children's storybook author of ancient Greek times?

 

Dr Zeus.

Why are there only 239 beans in Irish bean soup? 
 
Because one more bean would make it too-farty.