A tom cat and a tabby were courting on a back fence one night.

The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred, “I’d give my life for you!”

The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, “How many times?”

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read “Unique Breakfast” so he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted. 

“What’s your ‘Unique Breakfast?’” he asked.

“Baked tongue of chicken,” she replied.

“Baked tongue of chicken?… Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken’s mouth!” he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, “What would you like then?”

“Just bring me scrambled eggs,” the man replied.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. 

Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”.

Marvin was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common sense.

He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”

His wife replies, “Why thank you, dear!”.

Did you hear about the TV weatherman who, despite his training and sparkling credentials, ran into a terrible unlucky streak?

He became something of a local joke. The town’s newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions. A year later, the paper reported that he’d been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.

Unable to handle the pressure, the station manager fired him.

So the meteorologist moved far away and applied for another job as a TV weathermen. When he got to the question on the application about why he had left his last job, he wrote, “The climate didn’t agree with me.”

A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game.

The young couple found their seats in the crowded stadium and was watching the action when a substitute was sent into the game. As the promising young player ran onto the field to take his position, the boy pointed at him and said to his girlfriend, “Keep an eye on that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year.”

His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, “That’s the strangest proposal I ever heard, but I accept!”.

Why did the proton blush? 

It was positively attracted to the electron.

One afternoon a young bank teller met her aunt downtown for lunch.

During the meal, the older woman asked her niece to deposit her paycheck at the bank where the girl worked. She told her aunt she would be happy to, however on her way back to work, the girl’s purse was snatched.

“Help, help,” she screamed at a passing cop. “That man has taken my aunt’s pay - he’s taken my aunt’s pay!”

“OK, lady,” said the cop. “Cut out the pig latin and tell me exactly what happened.”

A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Forget it, man, you’ll never hit her from here!”

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? 

They all have phones.

A man walks into a bar....

And with that, he loses the International Limbo Competition.

What do you call a vampire who makes pancakes?

Count Spatula!

What's the difference between a teacher and a train?

A teacher says, "Spit out your gum" and a train says, "CHOO-CHOO!"

During its heyday, the Wells Fargo Company employed a number of specialized stagecoaches such as one with a church for Sunday operation. One of the more popular models featured a darkroom on board, so passengers who took pictures could have them processed en route and the prints delivered at their destination. 

One day a stagecoach equipped with a darkroom was headed for Wichita when, passing through a small town, it was intercepted by the local marshall, who said, "Halt in the name of the law!" 

"What's the problem?" the stagecoach driver asked. 

"You should know that the operation of a mobile darkroom is illegal in Kansas," the marshall said.

At this point two psychologists on horseback arrived on the scene. One of them said, "I suppose what we have here is a classic case of the Oedipus complex." 

The other said, "No, it's much simpler than that -- it's just an arrested stage of development."

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.

Well, pull yourself together!

What's stucco?

It's what happens when you step in bubblegummo.

What do you call a dead magician's assistant?
 
An abracadaver.

How deep is a frog pond? 

Kneedeep, kneedeep.

I am sad to report that the man who invented the Hokey-Pokey has died. 

It was a serious and solemn affair, until it came time to place him in the coffin. 

They put his right leg in... it all went downhill from there.

Why did the optician go ice fishing? 

He had perfect ice sight.

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself? 

It’s surprising he didn’t see that one coming....

What did the generous mole say when his friends crashed his party?
 
The mole the merrier!

Why didn't the pencil do well in class?

He wasn't very sharp.

What do you call a broken can opener?

A can't opener.

Why did the rope cross the road?

Why knot?

When did the duck wake up? 

At the quack of dawn.

What did the corn cob call his father?  

Pop.

What did the beaver say to the tree?

"It's been nice gnawing you."

What song do romantic fish sing to each other? 

♫.... Salmon-chanted evening.... ♫

Why did the musician want his kids to learn to read?

So they would be sharp.