A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Porsche I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your  Miami Heat season tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for your African safari and 4 x 4. HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, "What would you do?" The cabby replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."

A man, noted for telling puns, was locked in a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. 

He immediately shouted, "Oh, pun the door!"

What's red and white?

Pink.

A leprechaun walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says. "That'll be six dollars."

The leprechaun puts a five dollar bill on the counter and walks away.

The bartender calls after him, "Hey buddy, you're a little short!"

What game would you play with a wombat?

Wom.

"Doctor, I feel self-conscious about my yellow teeth. What should I do?"

"Wear a brown tie."

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Yeah.

Yeah who?

Easy there, cowboy!

What do you call a man who's gotten into a fight with his cat?

Claude.

The old rancher took his wife to town to see the new doctor.

He waited for her by the hitch rail while he shot the breeze with some other old timers. After a few minutes, he heard his wife scream, then she slammed through the door and nearly knocked him down. Finally, he calmed her enough to learn of her problem.

After listening to her story, he helped her into the buckboard to wait for him while he settled things with this new upstart. He hitched his gun belt in place and marched in to confront the doctor.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" the rancher demanded of the doctor. "My wife is 63 years old. We have five grown children and eleven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor raised his eyebrows and asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous.

He became quite besotted with Clearly and after while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get on with Clearly.

He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing "I can see Clearly now. Lorraine has gone".

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer thought for a moment, but was puzzled. Finally he asked the engineer, "How do you start a flood?"

"Ben," said his grandfather, "I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life."

"Really?" asked Ben. "What happened?"

"Well, it was during the great flood. The dam broke, and when the water hit the house, it was knocked right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out to safety."

"And what about you?"

"Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"

As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors.

On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive.

Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull. He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost!

You can imagine he was rather fed up with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever.

Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face. Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears.

With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked to the far window and blew all the smoke out again.

He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down Next to the girl.

"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that"?

"It was easy", said Joe, "I'm an extractor fan".

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. 

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." 

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. 

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. 

"What's it about?" he asked. 

"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

I was watching the Chicago Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. 

I thought, "This could be interesting."

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher,

"What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
 
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!"

Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?

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A man goes to see his doctor.

The doctor says, "Go over to the window and stick your tongue out."

The man says, "Why?"

The doctor says, " I don't like my neighbors."

The pediatric nurse had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, she entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. "No, no, no," screamed Lizzie!

"Lizzie," scolded her mother, "that's not polite behavior."

With that, the girl yelled even louder, "No, thank you, no, thank you, no, thank you!"

An 80-year-old man went for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replied, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor said.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"Oh my Lord!" Ethel exclaimed. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Susan’s dishwasher breaks down so she calls a repairman.

Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll send you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, talk to my parrot! I mean it. Don't talk to my parrot."

When the repairman arrives at Susan's house the following day, he discovers the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lies there on the carpet watching him go about his work.

The parrot, however, drives him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman can't contain himself any longer and yells, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replies, "Get him, Spike!"

A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After 30 minutes of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer.

“How would you like it if you didn’t see me for a couple of days..."?

The husband couldn’t believe his luck, he looked up, smiled and said, “That would suit me just fine”!!

Monday went by, and the man didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn’t see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" 

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector--not wanting to get a toe blown off--started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels, which never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No, sir..... but... I've always wanted to."


There are lessons here:

-Never be arrogant.

-Don't waste ammunition.

-Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

-Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

-Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.


I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

A rich young man meets young, beautiful girl. After drinks, he took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was quite well groomed and apparently very intelligent.

Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions of famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked her if she preferred port or sherry.

She said, "Oh, sherry by all means. To me it is the nectar of the gods, Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the cork is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole body begins to glow. The music of a thousand softly playing violins fills my ears and I am transported with this elixir to the make believe world of magic".

"On the other hand, port makes me fart".

My grandson's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70 each.

"Nuts to this", I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

Our dog kept chasing people on a bike.

So we took his bike away from him.

Then he just sat in the garden and barked all day.

So we gave him his bike back.

Because his bark was worse than his bike.

What do you call a bald teddy? 

Fred bear!

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room. 

The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."

 
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2015. We have microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

 
Jon says, "Well, Doc, I tried, but I just couldn't pick 'em up!

The baby pigeon complained to his mother before flying a long distance, "I can't make it, I'll get too tired."

His mother replied, "Don't worry, I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine."

The baby started to cry.

"What's wrong?" cooed the mother sympathetically.

"I don't want to end up being pigeon towed."