A jeweler called the police station to report a robbery.

"You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away."

The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?"

"What's the difference?" asked the jeweler.

"Well," said the sergeant, an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears."

"Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweler. "He had a stocking over his head.

In 1986, Joe Dokes was on vacation in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. 

As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. 

Twenty years later, Joe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his son, John were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Joe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. 

Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. 

Probably wasn't the same elephant....

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth!"

The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Thanks, but they're too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair...try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair... try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly!" With that he ate his meal and gave his speech.

After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. 

"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "Oh I'm not a dentist. I work at the morgue.."

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. 

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room. 

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed....

"Not with a carnation."

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. 

 

As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. 

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" 

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

A thief and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said. 

"No problem, baby," the thief says, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring. 

A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a leather jacket in another shop window. "What I would give to own that!" she said. 

"Sure thing, darling," the guy says again, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat. 

Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I would do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.

"Forget that!" the guy moans. "Do you think I'm made of bricks or something?"

"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward to the front at the altar," the TV evangelist said.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays with all his might for Leroy; the whole congregation joined in with enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."

A young boy, about eight years old was picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. 

The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. 

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." 

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." 

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
 
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. 

"Oh, he died," the boy said. 

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." 

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." 

"Oh? What was it then?" 

"I think it was the spin cycle!"

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out. She'd hired a caterer, a band, and a clown. 

Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they would help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $100!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. Hey Willie! For $100, would you chop off another toe?"

A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips.

Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free. 

"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?" 

"Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor, "That would be defeating the porpoise."

A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bulls-eye and win a prize. Only a dollar for three darts. 

The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bulls-eye!! He downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go...Two bulls-eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go of the last dart.

Three bulls-eyes!!!

All are astounded. No one has ever won before. The bartender searches for a prize... grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize.

Three weeks pass...

The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls-eyes and demands his prize.

The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give, so he asks the drunk, "Say, what did you win the last time?"

And the drunk responds, "A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!"

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" 

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".

A workman was killed at a construction site. 

 

The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based on past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects.

They were a motley crew...

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged. 

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed. 

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago. 

The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges. 

The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly. 

The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter. 

The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed.

The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe....

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. 

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" 

 

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead." 

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl. 

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. 

His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.

The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say 1-2-3. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. 

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 'for' ?

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

 

She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?" 

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

The General went out to find that none of his GIs were there. 

 

One finally ran up, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." 

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more GIs came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." 

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. 

A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..." 

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down." 

"No," said the GI, "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa.

 

Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle. 

All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory. 

The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory. 

While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night. 

After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot. 

When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, "African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions."

Back in the days of the Roman Empire, the famous Emperor Nero instituted a new game. 

The players would take those little disks you set your glass on in order to protect the furniture, and see who could get the most distance rolling them across the floor. 

They were the first roller coasters.

Back in those days, the disks were made of iron, and they would bet on whose disk would roll the farthest.

They called them ferrous wheels.

A carrot crosses the road and is hit by a car.

 

He is rushed to the hospital, where he goes through hours of surgery.

After surgery the doctor comes into the carrot's room and says, "Well, I've got good news and bad news."

The carrot says, "Give me the good news first, doc."

The doctor says, "The good news is you?re gonna live."

"And the bad news?" asks the carrot.

"The bad news is your gonna be a vegetable for the rest of your life."

The bank robber looked so peaceful and innocent lying there under his big fluffy blanket. 

Just goes to show that you can't judge a crook by his cover.

Why did Beethoven get rid of all of his chickens?

Because they kept saying, "Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach!"

What kind of teeth can you buy for a dollar?

Buck teeth.

Did you hear they found new evidence of the missing link? 

Hopefully it’s not just another fossil arm.

Why are so many billiard players deaf?

They clean their ears with cue tips.