The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. 

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" 

The room got really quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. 

"Yes," replied the teacher. 

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was. 

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."

A little boy asked his mother, "Mummy, am I descended from a monkey?" 

The mother replied, "I don't know, son. I never met your father's folks."

Two church members were going door-to-door and knocked on Vickie's door. She was not happy to see them and told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. 

To Vickie's surprise, however, the door did not close and in fact, bounced back open. 

She tried again and really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with all her might, but got the same result. The door bounced back open. 

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. 

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. 

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck." 

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Two women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all we do is fight anymore. I've been so upset that I've lost 20 pounds." 

"Why don't you just leave him?" asked the friend. 

"Oh! Not yet," the first replied. "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."

An elderly woman goes into a lawyer's office. 

"I need your help in arranging a divorce." 

"A divorce? "Tell me, how old are you?" 

"I'm eighty-four." 

"Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?" 

"My husband is eighty-seven." 

"My, my, and how long have you been married?" 

"Next September will be sixty-two years." 

"Married sixty-two years?! Why would you want a divorce now?" 

"Because ... enough is enough."

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage.

The sign read: "Bread in captivity".

I'm thinking of joining a band called Duvet.

It's a cover band.

"I pity he fool."

"You missed a 'T'."

"Yes, I am."

My wife laughed at me when I told her that I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

Where does McDonald's get its burgers from? 

Macau.

What did Godzilla say after eating a four-cylinder Datsun? 

"Gosh, I could have had a V-8!"

What is the gambler's heaven? 

Paradise.

What would you get if you crossed a pigeon and a general? 

A military coo.

What do you give a person with water on the brain? 

A tap on the head.

What did the religious owner of a pest control company tell his workers as he sent them off to their assignments each day? 

Brothers and sisters, let us spray.

What Disney movie is about a gal who couldn't rise above a housecleaning position? 

The Little Mere Maid.

What did the mother say to her kids when she came home to find the sink piled high? 

"Dishes a real mess!"