What do you call a witch's garage? 

A broom closet.

What do you give a skeleton for Valentine's Day? 

Bone-bones in a heart-shaped box.

What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack? 

Count Duckula.

What's a vampire's favorite fruit? 

A necktarine.

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? 

Pumpkin Pi.

What does a vampire fear the most? 

Tooth decay.

Why did the ghost go into the bar? 

For the Boos.

Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? 

Bootiques.

Why did the monster’s mother knit him three socks?

She heard he grew another foot!

What do you call a vampire that lives in a kitchen?

Count Spatula.

What is Dracula’s favorite circus act?

He always goes for the juggler!

Two monsters went to a party. Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?”

“Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”

What do ghosts eat for supper?

Spooketti.

What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost?

Bamboo.

What monster flies his kite in a rain storm?

Benjamin Franklinstein!

Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators?

It raises their spirits.

Why couldn’t the ghost see its mom and dad?

Because they were trans-parents!

What do witches put on their hair?

Scare spray!

Who won the skeleton beauty contest?

No body!

On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, “If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.” 

A little voice from the back of the room asked, “How will that help?”

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two very young children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it IS vanishing cream!”

Where did the Egyptian Mummy go to get her back fixed?

The Cairo..practor!

When a fellow called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people. 

“Do you take children?” the man asked.

“No, sir,” replied the clerk. “Only cash and credit cards.”

Apple Inc. has developed a new high tech toilet. 

The details are not yet clear, but the company is torn between two names for the new device: Either the iPood, or the iPeed.

"Well, I finally retired my old car", said the old man. 

His pal asked, "Did you junk it or trade it in?" 

"Naw, nothing like that. I put four new Michelins on it."

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" 

After several seconds of silence, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake?"

Panicking when her toddler swallowed a tiny magnet, the mother rushed her to the emergency room.

"She'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through her system in a day or two."

"How will I be sure"? she pressed.

"Well," the doctor suggested, "You could stick her on the refrigerator. When she falls off, you'll know."

It was local election time and the candidate was visiting all the houses in his area.

At one house a small boy answered the door. “Tell me, young man, “said the politician, “Is your Mommy in the Republican Party or the Democratic Party?”

“Neither,” said the child, “she’s in the bathroom.”

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.

"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.

"Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!"

A man at a restaurant asks the waiter, “How do you prepare your chickens?

The waiter replies, “Nothing special. We just tell ’em they’re gonna die.”

Which way did the programmer go?

He went data way!