Have you heard the latest scandal?

Dr. Pepper was drunk at a party.

She was caught in a love triangle, forced to choose between her love for shoes and her love for him....

And frankly, he just didn't match her purse.

Did you hear the one about the dumb student that went to the library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? 

He got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia.

What do you call a quartermaster who's in charge of boring machines and attachments?

 

A drill sergeant.

What kind of spy hangs out in department stores?

A counter spy.

Did you hear the one about the calendar thief?

He got 12 months and they say his days are numbered....

Why was the broom late?

Because he overswept.

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it." 

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." 

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!"

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule." 

The lawyer asked, "What is the NC Three-Kick Rule?" 

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom. 

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. 

The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn." 

The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

What did one mountain say to the other mountain after an earthquake?

It's not my fault.

How did the artist paint a picture?

Easel-y.

Noah’s wife asked, “Why are we going in circles?” 

He replied, “Because God said we should sail in an arc.”

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.  This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends emails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?

It's pasture bedtime.

I think my friend is crazy. All day long he makes lines of chick peas, black-eyed peas, english peas, and crowder peas. Then he just sits there and looks at them. 

When I asked him why, he said he that was just minding his peas in queues.

I have a friend who made billions of dollars writing and selling Cliff Notes. 

One day I asked him where he got the idea and he said, "Well, to make a long story short...."

A man goes to see his doctor feeling a bit unwell. The doctor checks him over and eventually finds a couple of bags of money up his behind. He pulls them out and can't resist totaling up the value of the coins.

"Well", says the doctor, "I've found $1999.99 up your bowel."

  

"Hmmm", replies the patient, "That would explain why I've not been feeling too grand..."

Why is an ink blotter like a lazy baby dog? 

A blotter is an ink lined plane, an inclined plane is a slope up, and a slow pup is a lazy baby dog.

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally, conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

The cruise director was the sire of many offspring borne by the members of his entertainment staff. 

He was a man who bred his cast upon the waters.

How do robins get in shape? 

They do worm-ups.

Why are birds so unhappy in the morning? 

Because their bills are over dew.

Once when I was shopping around for a car, a salesman said, "You look like the kind of guy who'd want the AM/FM radio with removable face plate, the trunk-mounted CD player, with 8 speakers and remote control." 

I hate being stereotyped.

What's the difference between a lashing monster and a leaky cart? 

A lashing monster serpent is a whipping dragon while a leaky cart is a dripping wagon.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. 

Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

What do you call a small stringed instrument that eats all your food and charges by the hour? 

A baby sitar.

What's the difference between a jumping sorcerer and a crying reptile?

A jumping sorcerer is a leaping wizard while a crying reptile is a weeping lizard.

Her minister told an eighty-year-old woman that, at her age, she should be giving some thought to what he called “the hereafter.” 

She said to him, “I think about it many times a day.”

“Oh, really?” said the minister. “That is very wise.”

“It’s not a matter of wisdom,” she replied. “It’s when I open a drawer or a closet, I ask myself, ‘What am I here after?’”

And how about the one about the cannibal policeman who was arrested? 

He was caught grilling his suspects.

Did you hear the one about the cereal manufacturer who relocated to a new city?

They found themselves up a creek without a battle.

What's the definition of a bachelor pad?

All the house plants are dead, but there's something growing in the refrigerator.

Two elderly couples were enjoying a friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" 

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."

"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" 

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" 

"You mean a rose?" 

"Yes, that's it!" 

He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"