What happens when two snails get into a fight?

They slug it out.

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.

He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace.

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession…even to the supermarket which was a only few blocks from the house. 

After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, “Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!”

Customer: This loaf is lovely and warm!

Baker: So it should be ma’am. The cat’s been sitting on it all morning.

Why did the cowboy ride his horse?

Because he was too heavy to carry.

Two old men were sitting in the yard outside the senior care home one day when Tom turned to the other and said, "John I'm really feeling my age today. I just hurt all over. How are you feeling?

John replied, "I feel just like a new born babe."

Tom looked at him, startled, "A new born babe, really?"

"Yep, I have no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. 

The wife says, "I love you."

The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."

What month do wind farmers look forward to?

A gust.

A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache.

Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.

Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.

The doctor assured the nurse, “Don’t worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anaesthetic.”

When the hunter bagged a mountain lion, he asked the taxidermist to have it mounted for his den. 

The taxidermist mounted it backward and it was a real catastrophe.

What is a frog's favorite game?

Hopscotch.

What did the hurricane say to the island?

I have my eye on you.

This guy said, "Are you looking for the Twitter convention?"

I said, "Yes."

He said, "Follow me."

A boy and his father were visiting the mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father, never having seen an elevator, responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to five-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did." He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?" "Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.

But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?" "No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it's end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines – strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stared into his eyes.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean--?" he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"

Did you hear about the man who fell into the upholstery machine?

He's all right, now. In fact, he's fully recovered.

It was Benny’s third birthday party and he was having a lovely time. Soon it was time to open his presents. One was from his grandma Freda and in it he discovered a water pistol. He jumped up and down with delight and then ran to the nearest sink to fill it up.

But his mother was not so pleased. She turned to Freda and said, “I’m surprised at you, Mum. Don’t you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water pistols when we were young?”

Grandma Freda smiled and then replied, “I remember. Of course I remember.”

A salesman telephoned a household, and a four-year-old answered.

Salesman: May I speak to your mother?

Child: She is not here.

Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?

Child: My sister.

Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her?

Child: I guess so.

There was a long silence on the other phone. Then....

Child: Hello?

Salesman: It’s you. I thought you were going to call your sister.

Child: I did. The trouble is: I can’t get her out of the playpen.

A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking to buy a monkey. The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically-correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats. 

"The one on the left costs $500," says the store owner. 

"Why so much?" asks the customer. 

"Because it can program in C," answers the store owner. 

The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, "That one costs $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational Technology." 

The startled man then asks about the third monkey. "That one costs $3000," answers the store owner. 

"Three thousand dollars!!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?" 

To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant."

What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?

One sells watches and the other watches cells.

Is there a place in the Middle East with a lot of Jamaicans?

Yemen.

Why couldn't the shoes go out and play?

They were all tied up.

Did you hear about the accountant with insomnia? 

He decided to try counting sheep, but he made a mistake and was up all night trying to find it!

Derek, the painter, often would thin his  paint so it would go further. So when a local church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Derek was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day, while he was up on the scaffolding, the job almost finished, he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened.

The ensuing downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Derek off his scaffold onto the lawn among the gravestones and puddles of thinned and worthless paint.

Derek knew this was a warning from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty voice thundered, “REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!”

The science graduate asks, "Why does it work?"

The engineering graduate asks, "How does it work?" 

The accounting graduate asks, "How much does it cost?" 

The liberal arts graduate asks, "Would you like fries with that?"

Why shouldn't you go bowling against a snake?

Because snakes make lots of strikes.

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they never get the house.

I've got a cousin who has always had bad luck.

Once he found a magic lamp, rubbed it, and a genie appeared and gave him the Midas touch. 

For the rest of his life, everything he touched turned into a muffler.

A recent news story said the police caught a guy trying to cash a phony check and took him down to the station.

While the officers were distracted, the crook grabbed the check off the desk and swallowed it.

No problem: the police waited five or six hours and then charged the guy with passing a bad check twice.

What do kids like to eat on the playground?

Recess pieces.

How do you repair a broken heart?

With ticker tape.