A man walks into a pub and he asks the barman for a pint. 

All of a sudden he notices Vincent Van Gogh over the other side of the bar. 

The man asks, "Do you wanna pint, mate?" and Van Gogh says, "No thanks, I've got one ear!"

A boy had reached four years old without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." 

Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing."

A man walks into a restaurant and is shown to his seat by the hostess. 

The waiter approaches and asks, "Would you like to try our house special?” 

The man replies, "No, just bring me a steak, and make it lean". 

The waiter, somewhat puzzled, looks at him and replies, "Which way?"

There was this guy sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the man sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here?" 

The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street."

"No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?"

"Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66. How 'bout you?"

"Get out! I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too." 

"Where'd you go to college?"

"Beloit, in Wisconsin."

"No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?"

"Kevin Sullivan dorm."

"Sullivan dorm? You're not going to believe this . . ."

Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you won't believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same high school as I did, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?"

Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing."

A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?" 

Joe says, "Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again."

Two would-be fishermen rented a boat, and one caught a large fish. 

“We should mark the spot,” he said. 

The other man drew a large X in the bottom of the boat with a black marker.

“That’s no good,” said the first man. “Next time out we may not get the same boat.”

What would happen if you have a wooden car, with wooden wheels, a wooden chair, and a wooden engine?

It wooden start!

The girl came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. 

"No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." 

"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. 

"No I did not," the doctor said. 

"So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." 

The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

If a one L-ama is a Tibetan monk (Lama) and a two L-ama is a South American pack animal (Llama), what is a three L-ama?

A really big fire.

A new and inexperienced waitress tells another waitress she is concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them.

The other waitress explains that tray stands are placed throughout the restaurant. The nervous beginner serves all her lunches successfully, and afterwards asks an elderly couple if everything has been all right.

"It was fine, dear," replies the man, "but my wife and I have to leave now. Could she please have her walker back?

A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on the beach. 

The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."

Why did the pony have to stay after school?

Because he was horsing around.

Where does Scrooge go to in New York City?

The Grumpire State Building.

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. It was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Joan and her neighbor are talking about their daughters.

Joan says, "My daughter is at the university. She’s very bright, you know. Every time we get a letter from her we have to go to the dictionary."

Her neighbor says, "You're lucky. Every time we hear from our daughter, we have to go to the bank."

A man at the airline counter tells the ticket agent, "I'd like this bag to go to Berlin, this one to California, and this one to London."

The agent says, "I'm sorry sir. We can't do that."

The man replied, "Nonsense. That is what you did last time I flew with you."

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.

The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.

He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"

The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

Wife: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”

Husband: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”

Wife: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”

Husband: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. Where’s the car?”

Wife: “In the swimming pool.”

How do you know when you pass an elephant? 

You can't close the toilet seat.

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he lost his job?

Oh snap!

What do clouds wear under their shorts?

Thunderpants.

Called to the scene of a magnificent celestial display, the professor watched as a bright object dashed through the skies over New Mexico. When he returned to his observatory, reporters asked him if what he had seen was really a UFO.

Looking them straight in the eye, the impassive scientist replied, “No comet.”

Three tomatoes were walking down the street; a mother, father, and son. 

The son was far behind so the father turned and said, "Catch up!"

A Cajun named, Jean Paul, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer named Ben for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day, Ben drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well, then, just give me the money back," said Jean Paul

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already," replied Ben.

"OK, then. Just unload the donkey," said Jean Paul.

"What ya going to do with him?" asked Ben.

"I'm going to raffle him off," said Jean Paul.

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" uttered Ben.

"Sure can. Watch me. I just won't tell that he's dead," said Jean Paul.

A month later Ben met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off, I did. I sold five hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898," said Jean Paul.

"Didn't anyone complain?" inquired Ben.

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back,” said Jean Paul.

There was this guy driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly he was broadsided by a trailer truck. Some time went by, and the case finally got to court. 

The defense attorney said to the plaintiff, "How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?"

The man replied, "Well sir, it was like this. We was drivin' down the road, mindin' our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pullin' up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was mostly dead, so he shot 'em. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him. Then he came over to me and he said, 'How you feeling?'" "I said, I never felt better in my life."

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

"Breathe, you idiot, breathe!"

Joe asked God, "How much is a penny worth in Heaven?"

God replied, "$1 million."

Joe asked, "How long is a minute in Heaven?"

God said, "1 million years."

Joe asked for a penny.

God said, "Sure, just a minute."

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.

As her dad donned his tuxedo she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.”

“And why not, darling?” he asked.

“You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.”

Waiter! Waiter! Do you have frog legs?

No, sir it’s just the way I’m standing.

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. 

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" 

They are knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" 

"I lied about my age", Bob replies. 

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?" 

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."