What is a computer's first sign of old age? 

Loss of memory.

Tonya Harding donned her ice skates and competed again this week after many years away from the sport. 

Asked why she is returning to competition after such a long layoff, Tonya said she just felt like taking another whack at it.

The former nun celebrated her new-found "freedom" by burning a large "funeral pyre" into which she threw all the trappings of her life in the abbey - clothes, rosaries, crucifixes, the lot. 

After the fire had gone out and she began cleaning up the ashes, she was amazed to discover that, despite the prolonged heat of the flames, her clothing was still intact. 

Determined to eradicate the last vestiges of her vestments, she ran over them with a lawn mower -- to no effect. Then she fed them to a paper shredder, only to have the shredder jam. Finally she managed to dissolve them in a vat of acid. 

Why had she encountered so much difficulty? 

Old habits die hard.

I walked off the job at the helium factory last week.

Why? 

I just didn't like being spoken to in that tone of voice.

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. 

“It’s for my husband,” she tells the clerk.

“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.

“Are you kidding?” she says. “He doesn’t even know that I’m going to shoot him!”

Where do books sleep?

Under their covers.

A very young couple exhibiting signs of extreme nervousness, timidly approached the check-in desk of a large Manhattan hotel. 

"Good evening, sir," said the official behind the desk, favoring the young man with a perceptive wink. "Suite 16?" 

"Oh, no!" the young man responded quickly. "She's eighteen."

Why do dogs turn around several times before sleeping? 

Because one good turn deserves another.

The Buddhist monk told the hot dog vendor to "Make me one with everything." 

He then gave the vendor a $20 bill.

He waited, then said, "Where's my change?"

The vendor smiled and said, "Change comes from within."

Two friends meet each other on the street.

“Hey! Where are you coming from?” asked Bill.

“I’m coming from the cemetery. I just buried my mother-in-law” replied Sid.

“I’m so sorry!” said Bill, “But why is your face all scratched up?”

“She put up a heck of a fight!”

An unhappy wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. “What’ll you have?” he asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

“Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”

“Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Silverman became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous young blonde woman.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Silverman, and said, “That will teach you to pinch!”

Bewildered, Mr. Silverman was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, “I… I didn’t pinch that girl.”

“Of course you didn’t,” replied his wife, consolingly. “I did.”

What did Holmes tell his sidekick upon discovering a tree producing sour fruit? 

A lemon tree, my dear Watson.

What did the fisherman say to the card magician?

Pick a cod, any cod!

The police are called to Harvey’s house in a posh suburb – the neighbors have heard some screaming.

When the police arrive, they find Harvey’s wife Sadie standing over Harvey’s lifeless body holding a 6-iron in her hand. The club is still dripping with blood.

A police officer asks Sadie, “Is that your husband, ma'am?”

“Yes it is,” replies Sadie.

“And did you hit him with that golf club you’re holding, ma'am?”

“Certainly,” replies Sadie. She then drops the golf club, puts her hands over her face and begins to cry. “We only just got back from playing at a golf tournament,” she sobs.

“How many times did you hit your husband, madam?” asks the officer.

“I don't know,” replies Sadie. “Six, seven, maybe even eight times – but just put me down for a six.”

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with five and six year-olds. 

After explaining the commandment to “Honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill?”

Why did the barber win the race?

He knew a short cut.

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife, Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother, Scott, along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forget."

Did you hear the one about the professor that got in a horrible wreck?

He was grading papers on a curve.

What kind of tree grows in your hand?

A palm tree.

What do you call a deer that can kick a ball with his left and right feet? 

Bambidextrious.

What is Irish and stays on your porch, even when it rains?

Patty O'Furniture.

What did the mermaid do last Saturday night?

She went out with the tide.

A group of sterile monks in white robes were circling a large urn containing flowers, chanting, raising their hands, bowing to the urn, and performing some kind of ritual on one young member of the group. 

It appeared to be a vase sect to me.

Why are farmers cruel?

They pull corn by the ears.

I was talking to a female snake the other day. 

She was telling me all about her recent operation. 

Well, of course snakes don't speak English, but I knew what she was saying because she made a hiss direct to me.

Why did the bald man draw rabbits on his head?

Because from a distance they looked like hares.

In the old days on the plains, cow patties were in great demand, since they made great fuel for the cold winter evenings. Tribes bartered and traded this form of manure. 

One day some new faces showed up and identified themselves as the Grood. The Grood must have been from the East coast, because they were not hip to the ways of the plains, as the locals found out one day. 

A couple of women were gathering fuel when one of the new guys showed up, placed some coins on the ground, gathered up a sackful of manure, loaded it on his horse and rode away. 

“That must be one of the new guys,” said one of the women. 

“How do you know?” asked the other.

“Easy, she replied,”Everyone knows that only the Grood buy dung.”

What do prisoners use to talk to each other?

Cell phones.

What do you get when you cross a toad with mist?

Kermit the Fog.