Why was the willow weeping?

He was unpoplar.

What kind of songs do you sing in an automobile?

Car tunes.

Two guys were in a locker room after their racquetball game when one guy notices the other has a cork in his butt. 

“If you don’t mind me saying,” said the second, “that cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don’t you take it out?”

“I can’t,” lamented the first man. “It’s permanent.”

“I don’t understand,” said the other.

The first guy says, “I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an old oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came oozing out.”

He said, “I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish.”

And I said, “No shit!”

What reference book would a junkie consult to research the symptoms of his drug dependency?  

Addictionary.

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate his dinner before it was cool.

"Louisa" asked her small brother, "could you help me with my math homework?"

"Certainly not," replied Louisa indignantly. "It wouldn't be right."

"Maybe not," said her brother, "but you could at least try!"

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to screw it most of the way in, and one to give it an interesting twist at the end.

What mathematical term would help cover a mermaid?

An algae-bra.

I was walking down Hennipen St. in Minneapolis and stopped in at this soda fountain. 

I walked up to the counter and said to the clerk, "Give me a Minnesota." 

He looked at me funny and said "What?" 

I said, "Just give me a small diet Pepsi." 

Judge Finkel had given the clown much latitude by letting him wear stilts during the trial, but when Bozo started juggling with His Honor's gavel, the judge admonished sternly, "I will not let you turn my courtroom into a circus!"

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us." 

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked. 

The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the damn walls if you came to visit us again."

A Sunday school teacher was giving a bible lesson, telling the story of Lot's wife. He explained that as Lot's family left Sodom, his wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. 

One young child says, "Adults have to be careful. The other day my mother looked back as she was driving the car and turned into a telephone pole."

Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? 

 

Because everyone had to go in pairs.

A juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. 

"What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.

"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let me see you do it."

So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says to his buddy, "Wow, am I glad I quit 

drinking. Look at the test they're making you do these days!"

Why can't an elephant ride a bicycle? 

Because he doesn't have a thumb to ring the bell.

Where do you put a smart hotdog?

On the honor roll.

What washes up on tiny beaches?

Microwaves.

And then there was the one about the streaker in church....

They caught him by the organ.

Who stole the soap from the bathtub?

The robber ducky.

Why do elephants drink so much?

To try to forget.

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the giraffe!

The baby pigeon said, "I can't make it; I'll get too tired." 

His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine."

The baby started to cry.

"What's wrong?" said the mother.

"I don't want to be pigeon towed!"

A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father.

His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a strange ambition to have for a career."

"Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"

Why wouldn't the butterfly go to the dance?

It was a moth ball.

Why did the spider cross the road?

There was no spider. There was no road. The spider is a metaphorical manifestation of your pathological and subconcious fear. Fear of what you may ask? The chicken!

 

What do you do when two snails have a fight?

Let them to slug it out.

A man and his pet pig walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. 

 

They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. 

 

Finally, the bartender says, "Last call." 

 

So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my pig." 

 

The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. 

 

Suddenly, the pig falls over dead. 

 

The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. 

 

The bartender, yells, "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there." 

 

To which the man replies, "That's not a lion, that's a pig."

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

When should you buy a bird?

When it's going cheep.

“What is your occupation?” asked the judge.

“I’m a locksmith, your honor.”

“And what were you doing in the jeweler’s shop at three in the morning when 

the police officers entered?"

“I was making a bolt for the door!”