Did you hear about the cannibal spider that ate his uncle’s wife? 

He was an aunteater. 

Did you hear about the bones they found on the moon? 

 

It seems that the cow didn't make it.

What do you call the best student at Corn school?

The "A"corn.

Did you hear about the baby that was born in the high-tech delivery room?

It was cordless.

What did the bee say to the flower?

"Hey bud, when do you open?"

What was the outcome when a lawyer sued because he tore his clothes when he slipped on a banana skin? 

He lost the suit on appeal.

A man finds his seat in the theater, but it's too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him to the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. 

The usher looks at the quarter and then leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

 

Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and says, “You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn’t agree with me!”

The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. “You said this watch would last me a lifetime,” he yelled. 

 “Yeah,” admitted the owner. “But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.”

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes.

"Oh" said the counselor, "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

I had just written the word Banana when much to my amazement the letters suddenly rearranged themselves to spell the word Abanan. 

Asking my teacher to explain this, she said, "It's either a case of consonantal drift or you've just had a vowel movement!"

How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They're convinced that the power will come back on soon.

A man goes to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. 

The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" 

The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious ... Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much, I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything." 

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." 

"Why chrome?" asks the patient. 

To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that ... there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!" 

Why are pancakes like a baseball game?

Because they depend on the batter.

Why do dogs make such poor poker players?

When they get a good hand, they wag their tails.

What do you get when you cross a perm with a rabbit?

Curly hare.

What did 2 say to 3 about the unruly 6?

Don't worry about him; he's just a product of our times.

It was the middle of the night. 

Suddenly there was a loud rapping on the doctor’s door, followed by a groan. 

The doctor angrily thrust his head out of the window. “WELL?” he shouted.

“No,” moaned the man. “Sick.”

A father and his son are hiking in the Grand Canyon. The go around some bends, over some hills, and through some nooks. They round the bend and see a Native American sitting on a rock.

The father points to the Native American and says, "Son, Native Americans have the best memory of any people in the world"

The young son thinks he's quite the smart one and goes up to the Native American and says, "What did you have for breakfast last Tuesday."

Without hesitation the Native American responds, "Eggs." The son is impressed and goes on with the hike with his father.

Thirty years later, the son is now a grown man, and is hiking the same trail with his own son. He goes around the same bends, over the same hills, and lo and behold, rounds the corner and there is that same Native American on the same rock.

He's an older wiser man now, and will really test this Native American. He walks up, raises his hand in greeting and says, "HOW."

Native American responds, "Scrambled."

An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This adoption led to some peculiar behaviors on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency for it to eschew jumping, but rather to embrace running around like its step-siblings.

As the rabbit passed through puberty, however, it soon faced an identity crisis. It went to its step-parents to discuss the problem. It allowed as to how it felt different from its step-siblings, was unsure of its place in the universe, and was generally forlorn. Their response was, … “Don’t scurry, be hoppy.”

Why did the orange go out with a prune?

Because he couldn’t find a date.

Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." 

Miss Arnold gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Jacobs, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced. 

Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones and asked the same question. 

Miss Jones, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." 

 "Correct," said Mr. Jacobs. "And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment." 

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. 

The corners of Dick's jaw aching in anticipation, he carried it to the table in his backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped, suddenly, by his wife. 

"Hold Junior (their six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

Dick had him balanced between his left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when he noticed a streak of mustard on his fingers. Dick loves mustard. He had no napkin. So, he just licked it right off. But, It was not mustard!!! No man ever put a baby down faster. 

Now you know why they call that mustard: 'Poupon'.

A general store owner hires a young attractive female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. 

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. 

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner. 

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. 

With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. 

After many trips she's tired, irritated, and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself! Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. 

She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is your's raisin too?" 

"No," says the old man "....... But its startin' to twitch." 

A couple were going out for the evening. They got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc.

The taxi arrives and as the couple go out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.

 
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

 
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab: "Sorry I took so long," he says. "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

"Come with me," said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic-size pool.

"Wow, thank you," said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

"Wait, I think you are a little mixed up," said the priest. "Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word."

"Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed."

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?

"Get in the Batmobile."

What says "Quick, quick!"?

A duck with hiccups.

If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?

K9P.

What did one yoyo say to the other yoyo when he saw him?

"Yo."

What is small, red, and whispers?

A hoarse radish.