"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." 

After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. 

"Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. 

"I have no money," answers the man. 

The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.

The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." 

The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. 

After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. 

"Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. 

"I have no money," answers the man. 

The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.

One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar."

In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?"

"No," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."

 

A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis. Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the mating behavior of the giant rat of Sumatra.

Around dusk of the first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces, "I don't like the sound of those drums."

The dusk turns evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide says again, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out, "Hey man, he's not our regular drummer!"

A man is hired by the circus to perform a necessary but rather unpleasant task. He is asked to walk behind the elephants in the center ring, shoveling aside their droppings as they walk about. After a rather difficult evening at work, he goes to the circus cafeteria, sits with other workers, and begins complaining about his work.

"It's just terrible work, walking behind those huge beasts and first dodging, then shoveling aside the dung they produce. My arms are tired, my shoes and pants are a mess, and I'll have to shower before I return home, because of the stink."

His friends at work agree: "Why don't you just quit this miserable job and find something more rewarding to do. You have to have some skills and talents that you can put to use somewhere else."

He looks at them, stunned: "You know, you're probably right, but I just can't give up the glamour of show business!"

 

What's the worst thing you're likely to find in the school cafeteria?

The food.

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"

"Yes," the boy's mother answered.

"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.

"Who cares?" the mother replied. 

A young mother, paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife, made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, “Doctor, I hope you don’t mind Johnny being in there.”

“No,” said the doctor calmly, “He’ll quiet down when he gets to the poisons.”

What do you get when you cross elephants with fish?

Swimming trunks.

Why did the 25-watt light bulb flunk out of school?

He wasn’t very bright.

Did you hear the joke about the delivery van loaded with thesauruses that crashed into a taxi?

Witnesses were astounded, shocked, taken aback, surprised, startled, dumbfounded, thunderstruck, caught unawares…

How did the scientist invent bug spray?

Well, she started from scratch…

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband," I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.. I really need you to pay me a compliment.."

'The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." 

Why did the one-handed man cross the road?

To get to the second hand shop.

What's grey on the inside and clear on the outside?

An elephant in a baggie.

Joe takes his visiting cousin from overseas to a baseball game. Baseball is new to the cousin, so Joe is explaining the game as it goes. 

The visiting team's pitcher throws four bad pitches, and the batter tosses his bat toward the dugout and strolls to first. 

The cousin jumps up and shouts: "Run, man, run!". 

Joe pulls him down and explains, "No, he gets to walk, he has four balls." 

His cousin jumps up and shouts: "Walk with pride, man, walk with pride!"

A man goes into a Greeting Card shop.

Man: Do you sell sympathy cards?

Assistant: We certainly do, Sir.

Man: Could I exchange this 'Get Well Soon' card I bought yesterday?

A man walks in to a bar and is astonished to see three men and a dog playing poker at a corner table.

He watches in awe, then remarks, "That is the most amazing dog I have ever seen!".

"Nah, he's actually useless," says one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he can't stop wagging his tail". 

What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman?

A hunter lies in wait and a fisherman waits and lies.

There was a tap on my door this morning....

My plumber has a strange sense of humor.

What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?  

A Do-you-think-he-saurus.

So, then there was the joke about the dyslexic....

He walked into a bra.

Two cannibals were having lunch.

“Your wife makes a great soup,” said one to the other.

“Yes!” agreed the first. “But I'm going to miss her terribly.” 

What kind of birds always stick together?

Velcrows.

What has a bottom at the top?

Your legs.

The fisherman's wife gave birth to quadruplets. They called the boys: Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall.

They were known as the four sea sons.

Why did the elephant leave the circus?

He was tired of working for peanuts.

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" 

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Fearing that she might be a hemophiliac, the prostitute went to see her doctor.

"It's awful," she says. "Every time I get even a small cut, it takes days for the bleeding to stop."

"I see," said the physician. "And how much do you lose when you get your period?" 

She thought for a moment, then answered, "About five grand."

How do you make an elephant fly?

First, you start with a huge zipper. . . .

What's the biggest rock group in South Dakota?

Mount Rushmore.