An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on?"

The drunk, still staring down, replied, "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

Where did the goblin throw the football?

Over the ghoul line.

Why is a ghost such a messy eater?

Because he is always a goblin.

Why did the skeleton go disco dancing?

To see the boogy man.

What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?

It's a pain in the neck.

How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?

You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Why are vampires like false teeth?

They come out at night.

What dog can breathe under water?

Scuba Doo.

What is a vampire's least favorite food?

Stake.

Why does Dracula wear patent leather shoes?

Sandals don't look good with his tuxedo.

Why did the vampire need mouthwash?

He had bat breath.

What is in a ghost's nose?

Boogers.

What are ghosts' favorite kinds of streets?

Dead ends.

Psychiatrist: …gninnigeb eht ta trats s'teL ?doohdlihc ruoy tuoba em llet uoy t'nod yhW

Patient: Nice try Doc. But that reverse psychology stuff won’t work on me!

What tops off a ghost's ice cream sundae?

Whipped scream.

Father Robin arrived home and found Mother Robin was not in the nest. Checking their eggs, he discovered one of them was definitely not his. When Ma Robin came back, he pointed to the egg and said sternly, "How come?"

She gave him a sweet smile and replied, "Oh, I just did that for a lark."

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days."

She looked at him and said,"God, I wish I had your willpower."

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.”

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.” He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it…all of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer…and believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!”

Why did the demon and ghoul hang out together?

Because demons are a ghouls best friend.

Did you know that the first perfume sprayer was invented in the Garden of Eden?

Eve just shows up naked one day, Atom-izer and begins to recite the Lord's sprayer.

I was worried about my receding hairline so I made a deal with the devil.

He promised that, if I ever go bald, he'll make it grow back.

So now I have adopted a devil may hair attitude, even though I know that someday there'll be hell toupee.

Why did the priest giggle?

Mass hysteria.

Where does a ghost go on vacation?

Mali-boo!

What do you call a monster who poisons corn flakes?

A cereal killer.

How does a girl vampire flirt?

She bats her eyes.

What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?

Mas-scare-a.

Why did the ghost go into the bar?

For the boos.

What's a monster's favorite bean?

A human bean.

What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire?

A toasty ghosty.

What do skeletons say before eating?

Bone appetite'.

Why was the tired knight's butt like a mythical beast?

His ass was dragon.