What did one worm say to the other when he was late getting home?

"Where in earth have you been?"

Where does a broom go when it's tired?

It goes to sweep.

What kind of dancing do owls like?

The whoo-la.

A man who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having difficulty keeping the time with the rest of the band.

Finally the captain said, “Either you learn to keep time or I’ll throw you overboard. It’s up to you: Sync or swim!”

What do you call a dog with a cold?

Achoo-huahua.

When the Liberty Bell was forged, the Philadelphia city council decided to celebrate the inauguration by having a pie baking competition.

There would be two categories. The best bell-shaped pie and the best overall pie. Competition was furious but all ended well as one of the winners was a popular senior nun from their local community who baked and was known for her superb vegetable dishes. It had to be.

Everybody knows that Mother Teresa Wins No Bell Peas Pies.

Why did Little Johnny's mom test the bath water before putting him in it?

To prevent son burn.

What prayers do cows say at bedtime?

"Do unto udders."

Bowser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care. But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different.

Bowser’s owners were walking him along a trail at the park, when suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly at Bowser’s masters. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope. Seeing the sheer horror on his masters’ faces, Bowser took it upon himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he jumped and sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown’s leg.

Bowser immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit wildly. He then dragged his tongue all over the ground in an effort to remove the man’s foul essence from his mouth. For Bowser had learned that a mime is a terrible thing to taste.

Who uses voodoo to scare mosquitoes away?

The itch doctor.

What did the mother rope say to her child?

“Don’t be knotty.”

A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex! Supersex!” She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she again said, “Supersex.”

He sat silently for a moment or two looking up at her and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.”

How does Luke Skywalker travel?

Sometimes he runs, sometimes Ewoks.

What did the grandfather monster say to his grandson when they hadn't seen each other for a while?

"You gruesome!"

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Edna always replied, "I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, "Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Edna replied, "Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

The pilot overheard the couple and said,"Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Buddy replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, But you know,

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

What happened to the human cannonball at the circus?

He got fired.

Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent?

The FDA refused to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.

How many apples grow on trees?

All of them.

Why did the cow jump over the moon?

The milkmaid’s hands were cold.

These two guys are lost in the Sahara desert. They're desperate for water, but just as they think they're about to die, they chance upon a village where market day is in full swing.

They go to the first stall they see and ask if they can buy some water. No, replies the Bedouin stall owner, "I only sell fruit. Try the next stall." So off they go to the next stall and again they ask for water. "Sorry," says the merchant, "But I only sell custard." "Custard?" one of the guys says to the other, "What kind of place is this?" By now, desperate, they go to the next stall, only to be told, "Sorry, but I only sell jelly."

Hearing this, one of the guys turns to the other and says, "This is a trifle bazaar."

A bounty hunter rode into town one morning and went into the Sheriff's office. "Anyone with a price on his head round these parts?" asked the Bounty Hunter.

"Well," said the Sheriff, "there's a $500 reward, dead or alive, for the Brown Paper Kid."

"The Brown Paper Kid?!" Exclaimed the Bounty Hunter. "Who in tarnation is the Brown Paper Kid?"

"He's a varmint who wears a hat made from brown paper," replied the Sheriff. "His coat is made from brown paper. His shirts are made from brown paper. He wears pants made from brown paper and his boots are made from brown paper."

"Well," says the Bounty Hunter, "and what's he wanted for?"

The Sheriff replied, "He's wanted for rustling".

What does an egg do when another egg bothers it?

It eggnores it.

What happens when you don’t clean your mirror?

You get a dirty look.

Why do mothers put so much powder on their babies?

Talc is cheap.

In 1853, the Tate Watch Company of Connecticut decided to branch out and produce other products. Compasses for the pioneers traveling west were their first new endeavor. Although they produced fine and accurate watches, the same was not true of their compasses.

Travelers would sometimes end up in Canada or Mexico. Thus came about the phrase, "He who has a Tate's is lost."

Where do vegetables go to get married?

To the Justice of the Peas.

A woman answered the knock at her door and found a destitute man. He wanted to earn money by doing odd jobs, so she asked, "Can you paint?"

"Yes," he said, "I'm a pretty good painter."

"Well, here's a gallon of green paint and a brush. Go behind the house and you'll see a porch that needs repainting. Be very careful. When you are done, I'll look it over and pay you what it's worth."

It wasn't more than an hour before he knocked again. "All finished!" he reported with a smile.

"Did you do a good job?" she asked.

"Yes, but lady, there's one thing I'd like to point out to you. That's not a Porsche back there. That's a Mercedes."

What kind of book tells you about all the different kinds of owls?

Who's Whoo.

What do you get when you cross a clown with a chicken?

A comedi-hen.

What do you call a frog with no hind legs?

Unhoppy.