What's the nearest thing to silver?

The Lone Ranger's bottom!

Customer: I think I've got a bug in my computer.

Repairman: Does your computer make a humming noise?

Customer: Yes.

Repairman: Then it must be a humbug!

A long time ago, there was a beehive in the middle of a forest. Every day, as worker bees do, they would go out into their fields, gather pollen from the flowers, and bring it back to make honey.

The bees had a problem, though, because every so often an intruder would come around, such as a bear who wanted the honey, or kids who thought it'd be fun to throw rocks at the hive. Finally, the bees got tired of it.

Being the intelligent bees that they are, they built an alarm system for the hive. They built it such that one bee pulls a lever, which triggers the alarm that the bees will hear from the fields, and then the bees can come back to protect their home.

There was one bee who was exclusively assigned that job, and he was aptly named the "Lever Bee." His job was to watch for potential adversaries, and pull the lever to raise the alarm.

Now clearly, the safety of the hive depends on this one Lever Bee. So it stands to reason that he has to be constantly ready and on the alert so that he can do his job.

And that, friends, is why people say, "I'm as ready as a Lever Bee."

What tools do you need in math class?

Multi-Pliers.

It's a little known fact that Quasimodo (you know - the Hunchback of Notre Dame) has an identical twin bother. The twin had left the city many years ago, to live in the countryside, where he made a good living as a bell-ringer for a small rural church.

One day, Quasimodo decides that he wants to go on a vacation - he hasn't left the city in years - so he gives his brother a ring and asks if he'd like to come over to look after the bells at Notre Dame for a week. The brother decides that this is a great idea. Nice change of scenery, and all that, so he packs a couple of bags, and heads off to Paris.

When he arrives, the first thing to get to him is the size of everything. He's used to the little church bells, and the size of Notre Dame cathedral and it's bells are a little awe-inspiring.

Quasimodo leads him up to the belfry. "The bell-cords rotted through years ago," he says, " so I have to ring the bells from up here."

"How do you do that?" asks his brother (not really sure he wants to know the answer).

"Well," says Quasi, "I run at the bells, and hit them with my head like this...". So he bashes the nearest bell with his forehead, and it makes a beautiful (and loud) ring.

After a few demonstrations, the brother decides to have a go. He runs up towards a bell, smacks his head against it, and it makes a lovely ring, but unfortunately, it also gives him concussion, and he staggers around the belfry for a moment before falling out, down, down, down to the pavement below.

Quasimodo is understandably upset, and as he peers over the edge, he can see a crowd of people gathering around the scene.

"Who is it?" says one.

"I'm not sure, but the face rings a bell," says another.

"Yes - he's a dead ringer for Quasimodo," says a third.

"No. I think it's his brother," says the second person, "I had a hunch he was back."

A young boy had a job bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store decided to install a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

The young lad was most intrigued by this machine, and he asked if he could be allowed to work the machine. The manager refused, but the youngster couldn't understand why not.

The store manager explained it to him: "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

Why did the golfer wear two sets of pants?

In case he got a hole in one!

Why do dragons sleep during the day?

So they can fight knights.

Captain Kidd and his crew were on the high seas when they were attacked by Blackbeard, their arch enemy.

The first shot by Blackbeard's gunners took off Kidd's forward mast. The second shot splintered the center mast, and the third disintegrated the rear mast.

Panic stricken, one of Kidd's men asked what they should do.

"We have no choice but to surrender", replied the pirate, "He's using weapons of mast destruction!"

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing."

A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No." A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of the man's leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" he said indignantly. The other guy replied, "That's not my dog."

A snail got mugged by two turtles. When he went to the police, they questioned him as to what happened.

He said, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"

Why did Jack and Jill get married in the bathtub?

They wanted a double ring ceremony!

Two pieces of string meet one day in the park and while one goes on the slide the other goes on the swings. They're having a great time until one string decides to go on the merry-go-round.

After a while, the string feels really dizzy and falls off, scraping across the blacktop and making as tangled mess of one end and falling in a heap. The second string looked at him and sighed "you're not very good on that merry-go-round are you?"

The first string looked at himself and said "I'm a frayed knot".

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," his friend replied, "and left me $25,000. Then in September my father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." His friend continued.

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," concluded, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

A drunken man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

On a road through a desert in Arizona, a preacher named Nathaniel Evans walked every day, preaching to the many people who roared past in their cars.

"Repent, the End of the World is Nigh!" was his constant theme.

One day, as he was walking, he came to a big lever in the middle of nowhere, just by the side of the road. 'Pull this to end the world' said the sign on it.

Now Nathaniel saw this as the perfect spot for him to preach, and soon many automobiles were parked nearby, the people all swayed by his powerful speaking.

All was well, until there were so many people, and so many cars, that the road was nearly blocked. Then a big 18-wheel rig came down the highway, and couldn't stop in time. The driver had a choice: run over Nathaniel, or run over the Lever.

As the driver explained to the Highway Patrol later, he actually had no choice. Pointing to the red smear on the road that used to be Nathaniel Evans, he said "Better Nate than Lever."

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know unless you open the door?

What's an Eskimo's favorite song?

Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!

A man is working on a train collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the engineer to go while there's still a woman half getting on the train. The engineer sets off, the woman falls from the train and is killed. At the trial the man is convicted of murder and, seeing as it's Texas, he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution, he's placed in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes," answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?" says the man.

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits until he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch, sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so," says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the trains selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the engineer to go while people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The guy is convicted of murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so he rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole state of Texas.

The guy is again placed in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The guy eats the banana and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears, the man is still sitting in the chair smiling. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, this guy gets his job back on the trains. Once again he rings the bell while the passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up the chair to the electric supply for all of the United States, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair, smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke clears the man is still sitting there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that." He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asked.

"Nahh" said the guy,

"I'm just a really bad conductor."

What's old, wrinkled, and puts away your underwear?

Your grandma.

Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first fisherman, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"

"No," explained the second fisherman, "It's just a little wave."

Where did the king keep his armies?

Up his sleevies.

If the red house is on the right side and if the blue house is on the left side where's the white house?

Washington DC.

Bonus Thursday Joke

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock.

The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.

"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.

The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago."

The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory."

"Yep," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up "Yeah, right."

Why did the pony cough?

He was a little hoarse!

How does the moon cut his hair?

E-clipse it!